Welcome to Roommate Confessions, the column where we share the worst stuff you've done to your roommate. If you think you can top these stories, confess your sins at the bottom of this page.

Dennis Quaid Is Calling You

My roommate pretty much thinks her word is law. She has a list of "no-nos" on the fridge including no boyfriends over night (even though her boyfriend has been staying with us for over a month now), no sleeping on the couch (stupid, right?), and no dirty dishes in the sink (it's overflowing with HER dishes as I type this). So to get back at her while she was away, I fucked my boyfriend in her bed and came all over the place. Now she's confused as to why there's stuff all over her black sheets…I'll never tell XD- Anonymous

One day while complaining to my best friend about my roommate I accidentally texted my roommate and not my friend. Oops! Fortunately she was asleep at the time and I thought oh I will just grab her phone and delete it. Well it was password protected. So in order to not face a crazy bitch fest I broke her phone. It look like it fell but I actually smashed it with a hammer. Listening to her complain about the phone she broke was better than starting a fight and I let a little frustration out in the process.- Anonymous

I'm the one who changed all your contacts to "Dennis Quaid".- Anonymous

You've been tormenting my girlfriend and I all year, eating her shit, trying to convince her to break up with me at least 4 times and just being an overall bitch. Even though my gf secretly hates you along with all your other high school friends, she wouldn't let me tell you off. So for the last 2 months of school i continually peed in your shampoo and released certain bodily fluids into various hygene products of yours. You're lucky my gf wouldn't let me do more than that. But for what it's worth, MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS AND QUIT TRYING TO CONVINCE MY GF TO DUMP BE JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK SHE SHOULD BE HUSBAND HUNTING WHEN SHES A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE YOU FUCKING CUNT!- Anonymous

You know what is awesome? Coming home from a long day at work and lighting up a joint. You know whats not awesome? Coming home from a long day at work to find your stash is missing. Now I'm not a scientist or anything but im pretty sure my bag of weed DID NOT accelerate its self through the stages of evolution and grow legs…in under 14 hours. I know you said that this probably happened but it didnt. Seeing that youre my only room mate I right off the bat knew it was you. Oh and its not like the bastard just took a pinch, he took more or less a half O. I was pissed. So now i start thinking, what should I do? Well i decided to go to the local grocery store and buy more oregano than Jesus could even think of and throw it all into a bag that was identical to the bag that my weed was in. Knowing about to where the bag was filled to i made sure to make it look similar. So a few days go by and you leave the house and i go to work. Within five minutes i cracked your safe and found my bag of weed in there. It was obviously mine. The label "snickerfritz" was a dead give away. Thats the name of good weed me and my friends have been using for a while now and I will always write it on my bags. The next give away was the fact that it was all ground up, just like how my bag was. Oh wait this was my bag. So obviously I took my bag back and switched it with the bag of oregano. It was funny to watch you try smoking oregano. It was also funny because you always say "im a skilled smot poker". What fucking skilled smoker doesnt know the difference between weed and oregano. But the best part was watching you dry heave for an hours straight after attempting to smoke it. BTW I mixed dog crap, tuna juice, and some old nasty milk together with a lil water into an empty bottle of fabreeze I found in your room. Seeing that you wouldnt notice the difference, I gave your new bag of 'weed" a healthy spritz from your newly scented bottle of fabreeze. Dont bullshit a bullshitter.- Anonymous

I live on my own, and go home on weekends, so this is really all I have to confess. Hey mom, that wasn't ice cream that made the keyboard stick.- Anonymous

Remember how you had those three custom CDs you loved so much? And remember how that's the only music you would play over and over and OVER AND OVER AGAIN??! And remember how you smelled like smoke and whined like a baby when I wanted to watch TV at night and dripped bleach all over my comforter? So yes, I was at my parent's condo with your Physics book when you needed it for an assignment and no I wasn't using it at all. Also, I cut your ethernet cable.- Anonymous

My next door neighbor was the most narcissistic asshole I have ever had the misfortune of meeting, and that's saying a lot. On top of that, he was a total slob, which wouldn't have been a problem except I hung out with his roommate all the time. The final straw was when I found my fork which had been missing for a week in one of his crusty old containers that he ate food out of. He had a beer mug which he had filled halfway with coke about six months prior, so it had congealed into a goey, syrupy, moldy mixture that could be likened to the tarpits of hell. So I took that and turned it upside down on his bed where his pillow was. After a half hour, it finally dripped onto his sheets (which hadn't been washed all year) and i put his pillow back over the spot. The best part is, he didn't find out about it until four days later.- Anonymous

To my roomate and suitemates I blew a load in all of your shampoo and bodywash bottles and i may have used your toothbrush to clean off the sink I also took your laundry card. This all could have been avoided if you would have learned how to change the toilet paper and clean the bathroom and also having your pregnant girlfriend who smells really bad stay multiple weekends, really pissed me off- Anonymous