So you're one of those assholes who just can't resist spoiling stuff, but you'd like to also pretend you did nothing wrong, thus making yourself an even bigger asshole? No problem! Just follow these five easy tips and you'll be guiltlessly spoiling up a storm faster than you can say "R.I.P. Walter White!"
STEP 1: Tweet "HOLY FUCKING SHIT #NameOfShow" right when the thing happens.
A popular tv show just had a HUGE twist happen, so you what are you gonna do? Wait ONE DAY to Tweet about it? BULLSHIT. The world NEEDS to hear your emphatic but vague almost-thought, and it needs to hear it right this second:
By refraining from specifics, no one will see your Tweets that you sent at 9:55 pm, realize that it's a show where major characters die all the time, and make any connections, so you're in the clear!
Also, if people get pissed because they DVRed the episode, then it's their fault for not assuming something spoilery was going to happen then re-arranging their lives accordingly to watch it and staying off their computers and phones. And if they live on the West Coast, that's their fault for picking a stupid coast.
STEP 2: Ask people at work if they watched the show, but do it WAY too excitedly.
If you're pretty sure that your friend or co-worker hasn't seen the show yet, remember to ask them if they've seen it before giving away any spoilers, but make sure to do it in a way that clearly gives away that something big happened:
STEP 3: Talk about the spoiler out loud at work, just be sure to stand a MINIMUM of two feet away from people who aren't caught up.
A handy spoiler rule: "Two feet away, they can't hear what you say!" Here is a scientific diagram to prove this:
Also, use your normal speaking voice, NOT an extra-loud yelly one. You don't have to whisper or anything, though. No need to be THAT courteous.
STEP 4: Post "R.I.P." on Facebook and link to an article that gives it away.
Sometimes you just have to let your overwhelming tv-related emotions pour out in the form of a cathartic Facebook status, but keep in mind: Not everyone has seen the episode yet, so remember to wait until at least like, noon to post the semi-spoiler. Granted, if people haven't watched the episode by the beginning of the workday, it's literally impossible for them to have somehow then watched it by noon, but who cares? You're 1% sad and you can't NOT mention something about it in a public forum.
Plus, this way, if anyone complains, it's the ARTICLE'S fault. Dang you to heck, you stupid article!
STEP 5: Ask the person "Can I just tell you?" then tell them the spoiler.
It's friggin THREE PM the day after the thing aired. You posted the ambiguous Tweet, you posted the slightly less-ambiguous Facebook status, you talked about it out loud in the middle of a room of people but you can't POSSIBLY hold it in any longer. You're free to go ahead and spoil it for everyone, just make sure to ask "Can I just telllllll you?" beforehand in a really shrill, vulnerable voice that'll make them feel like they're inflicting physical pain on you if they don't let you. And if they say "no", then just let it slip out anyway and laugh at yourself. Whew! That felt good.
That's all for today! Next Week: How to spoil your sister's engagement announcement then say "whatttt??? I thought you told them???" so you're off the hook. Happy spoilings!