Well, I DEFINITELY put in enough money. My burger was $9.50 and I put in $10. That's MORE than I owe. Oh, right, I guess there's tax and tip. I guess I can put in ONE more dollar. Are we good now? Yes, I did have some of the "Uncle Jack's Giant Plate of $15 nachos." You know what, just to make things easier on everyone, I'll put in ANOTHER dollar. That's two dollars more than I owe. I'm definitely covered now. What? Yeah, I had some beer from the pitcher. What's your point? Alright, alright, I'm only doing this because I'm sooooo generous...
ONE. MORE. ... DOLLAR. And that's it. I've already done too much.
Why are we even talking about this? There's eight of us, clearly we should just divide it by eight and each pay that. Okay, yes, I ordered four courses and six drinks (including the special one with the gold dust sprinkles!), but why should I be expected to do math - honestly, MATH! - just so others won't have to subsidize my meal? Besides, you all got food too! How much did that burger cost? Like $50? I don't really have a concept of the value of money, but I'm sure that's close. And even if it's not, we all go out to eat so often that I'm sure everything will even out eventually. Yes, even if I always order the most expensive thing. Again, I'm not GREAT at math, but I'm pretty sure that makes sense.
And now I have to add a tip onto all this? This is stupid. You don't see anyone tipping me for just doing my job. Honestly. Can you imagine if someone was like "great job with the accounting, here's a little bit extra." You know, in other countries they just wrap the tip into the cost of the meal. If you really think about it, we'd be freedom fighters if we didn't tip -- brave individuals out to change a corrupt system! No, of course, I'm going to leave a tip. I'll throw in a buck or two. People get "angry" at me when I don't -- even though you totally don't legally have to leave a tip. It's not the law, did you know that? No, yes, I'm leaving a tip. But still. Think about it, right?
Heeeeey, you guys don't mind if I pay with a card, right? I'm trying to get enough points on my card to fly around the world three times. Not landing anywhere, just flying non-stop around the world. Don't look at me like that! How was I supposed to know three other people wouldn't bring cash. Really, they should have planned ahead for eating in a big group. Pretty inconsiderate of them. Ahh, who cares. I'm sure the restaurant won't mind splitting the bill among four cards and a pile of cash. It's all money, right?
Ah, gee, this dinner went on longer than I thought it would. I was supposed to meet up with some other folks five minutes ago. No time to look at the bill, I'll just slap down a random amount and assume that's right. Here's $5, an old movie ticket stub, a Canadian Loonie, and three Spanish Dubloons. Hate to run, but I should have been there ten minutes ago. I ordered a beer and something that starts with a "C." Chicken? Or Crawfish? No time to remember now; I'm, like, fifteen minutes late. If it's not enough money, I'll just pay you back tomorrow. Oof, I really should have been there twenty minutes ago. Gotta run. Thaaaaaaaaaanks.
Alright, everyone calm down, I've got the solution to our trouble right here on my phone. It's this sweet app called billmaster Pro. I'll just take a photo of the bill. Then let me just enter everyone's name, and what you ordered. No, I promise, it'll only take a second. What did you order? And you? And you? No, it's way easier! Just go along with it. Alright, while I'm doing this, everyone else needs to download this app too....Because it'll send you each a personalized bill! It's awesome!...Oh, no, it won't work on Android. But everyone else can use it and we'll just figure yours out from there. It's only a $5 app. C'mon it's not THAT expensive!...Fine! Fine! We don't have to use it. I'll just calculate what I owe using this other sweet app I have...
I don't know how I wound up with the bill in front of me. Or this huge pile of money, plastic, and garbage. I guess I've been designated "the adult" for tonight? Aaaaand we're still $40 short. I don't know how it happened, I'm just telling you what we have and what's on the bill.
Stop yelling at me.
Yes, Chad put in money, I have his card right here. How much did you put in? I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm just trying to sort this out.
Fuck it, I'll just pay the difference.
Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe