By Eddie Small
Thank you for choosing to lease your apartment with Sun King Realty, the only firm in the city that combines the unimpeded authority of 18th century European absolute monarchs with the unimpeded authority of the 21st century surveillance state. Below, you will find a list of documents and other information we need before granting you the privilege of moving into what any other city would call a condemned utility closet but what we refer to as a two-bedroom unit.
1. All occupants, guarantors, relatives, close friends, Facebook friends, jilted ex-lovers and pets that have gained sentience must fill out the application in full.
2. All required documents, including the ones we forgot to tell you about, must be submitted with the application for it to be considered complete. Incomplete applications will be burned, infected with smallpox, and mailed back to you.
3. The monthly rent must not exceed 25 percent of any applicant's annual income. In other words, you do not make enough to live here, so please stop wasting our time.
4. If your income is below the 25 percent threshold, you may use a guarantor, whose income must be 907 times the monthly rent and whose name must be Donald Trump. Be aware that if you choose this option, you must submit to weekly lectures about how it is time to stop relying on your parents because, come on, you're 25 already. Get your shit together, man.
5. The rent just went up by $100.
Non-Refundable Application Fee:
1. Way, way more than it should be given that no one including us knows what we use this money for, but you're going to pay it anyway because what else are you going to do? Move to Wichita? Right. Have fun in Wichita, buddy.
Required Documents (Per Applicant):
1. Valid government-issued photo ID
2. Most recent paystub
3. Birth certificate
4. Long form birth certificate
5. President Obama's long form birth certificate (the real one)
6. Proof of address
7. Proof that you had nothing to do with the Kennedy assassination
8. A bunch of tax stuff that you don't understand because your parents still do your taxes (see "General Requirements," number 4)
9. Character references from Housing and Urban Development Secretary Shaun Donovan and an elementary school teacher who hated you
10. Three ounces of rhino horn. (We will ask no questions upon receipt of this item)
Security Deposit Information
1. You will never get this back.
2. Seriously. It's not going to happen.
3. Even if you never actually set foot inside the house, we would still rather chop off our own balls then give this back to you.
4. Whoa, was this paint chip here when you moved in? That is not cool, bro.
Here is a bunch of information in fine print that you are not going to read because, come on, it's just an apartment application, and you have a Netflix queue to catch up on. Plus, have you seen how long this paragraph is? And how small the writing is? Who has this kind of time or squinting ability? There's probably nothing important in it, anyway, except for this part, which says we get to keep your firstborn child. Besides that, it's just a bunch of financial and legal terms like "debenture" and "ceiling" that you wouldn't understand anyway, unless you use a dictionary, but fuck that. Isn't it time for you to check Facebook again?
Last Name: ________________ First Name: ___________________ Middle Name: ________________
Nicknames: ________ Mother's Maiden Name: ___________ Father's Maiden Name: _______
Name That Tune: _________________ Say My Name, Say My Name: __________________
Social Security Number: ___________________ Credit Card Number: _______________
Bank Account Number: ____________________ Phone Number: _______________________
Engine, Engine Number Nine: _____ List Of Prime Numbers Between 1-100: _________
Date Of Birth: _________________ Date Of Death: _______________ Date Of Berlin Airlift: _____
Race: __________ Haha, just kidding! Can't ask that question. But maybe just write it down, anyway, and we'll see what happens.
List of former residences, from mother's uterus to present: _____________________________
Name Of Employer: _________________________ Annual Salary: _______________________________
Are you happy there? Like, really happy? ___________ Come on, be honest: ______________
List of careers you would have rather pursued: __________________________________________
List of weapons you are capable of using, should the need arise to defend Sun King Realty's honor: _______________________________________________________________________________
The rent just went up by $100 again. Are you still interested?  YES  SURE
Use the space below to explain why the housing market collapsed. Be specific.
Oh, shoot, sorry, turns out the manager of our cousin's band needs a place to live, so we just rented the apartment to him. But a much more expensive place in a very inconvenient neighborhood is still available. Do you want to see that one?  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ALL I WANT TO DO IS STOP LOOKING AT APARTMENTS. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST PUT ME IN SOME TYPE OF ENCLOSED STRUCTURE ALREADY?
____________________________ _____________________________ ________________________________
APPLICANT SIGNATURE APPLICANT DNA SAMPLE BLOOD OF APPLICANT'S FIRST LOVE. SUN KING REALTY IS THE ONLY LOVE YOU NEED NOW.