So you're a comedian, writer, or celebrity of some sort, but you just don't know how to deal with all these internet Haters (aka: H8ers) constantly hurling insults at you? Worry no longer! Instead of easily ignoring them, just follow these Six Simple Steps to Totally NAIL Internet Haters, and before you know it, people will be like, "Wow, that comedian/writer/celebrity sure knows how to publicly respond to random anonymous assholes! They rule!"
Tip #1: Always respond to every single comment.
If there's one thing commenters can't stand, it's more attention. Giving them this attention will let them know that you mean BUSINESS, and will promptly end all negative comments directed at you, now and forever.
Tip #2: Retweet all negative Tweets and then respond to those too.
Oh, someone with 19 Followers thinks you should "Stick to comedy.. o wait u suck at that to"? Well they won't find it so funny when you Retweet that to your 350,000 Followers so everyone gets to see that comment that otherwise would've been totally ignored and forgotten! Then follow that up with a zinger of your own and BAM! In that random 14-year-old's STUPID EGG AVATAR FACE!
Tip #3: Criticize the Hater's grammar. They'll never see it coming!
Making fun of someone's spelling or grammar is a super-vicious, super-original tactic that will completely defeat Haters 100% of the time. They'll be so thrown off by you pointing out that they used the wrong "its", they'll retract the comment, instantly concede defeat, and promise to make an effort to be more careful in their future commenting endeavors.
Tip #4: Use the phrases "Just sayin," "You stay classy," and "I see what you did there" as much as possible.
These are three tried-and-true phrases to totally nail Haters without making you look like a giant asshole in any way.
Tip #5: Make your response longer, more vulgar, and WAY more personal than the original comment.
Stooping to a lower level than the random Haters went to in the first place will let everyone know that you mean BUSINESS. More business than that first time you meant business. AWESOME COMEBACK business.
Tip #6: Most importantly, let all Haters know that they've completely gotten to you, and that they've successfully planted a seed of permanent doubt deep within your psyche.
That'll show em! Hahaha OWNED!