Welcome to Roommate Confessions, the column where we share the worst stuff you've done to your roommate. If you think you can top these stories, confess your sins at the bottom of this page.

Wondering Why Your Pillow Is Crusty

WELL, until he got kicked out for being a screw up, my roommate had this girl he would hook up with, she was really skinny and when they had sex, while I was on the bottom bunk, I could hear there bones smack together when they got it on, it disgust me. So one lovely day he and his girlfriend sexiled me at 3 o'clock in the morning on finals week, and then threw there used condom on my bed which landed on my pillow, she then left and in a drunken state he bitched at me for coming back early when I had no where to go, so everyday after that day, I made sure I masturbated at least once a day, and would wipe my juices on your pillow. I thought it was interesting when you asked me why your pillow was crusty, hope he enjoyed.- Mikel G

My roommate Jones is from Athens, PA, about midway through the state and a 10 minute walk from upstate New York, so pretty much it's a Republican area. Last semester Penn State basketball gave out Taylor Battle cardboard masks, our All-Big Ten point guard, as a promotion the day after Obama was elected president. When I came home from the game I still had my mask and knew that Jones would not know who Battle was so I told him that it was the mask was actually Obama, since the two look so much alike. I told Jones the reason why they gave out the masks was because of Obama's election and that he played basketball in high school, and as I expected he believed me. What I did not expect was that he would believe that the mask, which I hung up on my wall was president for almost six months. Last weekend Jones got pretty drunk and was going off on how much he hates the stimulus and Obama and got the bright idea that it was a good time to tear the mask off my wall and stomp on it as hard as he could. By this time I also had cardboard masks from other Penn State basketball players on my wall, so my other roommates did not completely understand why Jones was jumping on top of Taylor Battle's face. Jones drunkenly replied that the mask was Obama's, but when he was corrected by another roommate he thought he was hearing a joke. He staggered over to me and finally asked me if that was Obama's face or not to which I replied, "It's about time you finally asked." At this time he began to whaling on me as everybody in the apartment began laughing hysterically, including myself, at Jones for being such a moron. Looking like a dumbass in front of all of our friends is what you get for get for watching Fox News 24 hours a day. Try picking up a school paper every once in a while.- TJ

Dear Andy, I've known a lot of losers in my life but you are the biggest loser — and I don't mean you're a big fat person either. I could be wrong though… maybe a lot of 31 year olds are assistant managers at Jakes Pizza and like to hang out at the skate park looking for butts of cigarettes to smoke. I've been meaning to ask – how's your 401K looking this quarter by the way? Do they match your contribution? Anyway, just wanted to ask if you remember your cell phone that disappeared? Remember? The one you were so pissed that you thought you had lost! It was actually a really funny story because I may or may not have thrown said cell phone into the deep fryer at said pizza shop. Whoops! Next time someone fronts you a half eighth of weed and you choose not to pay him after an entire summer of working (hey dipshit, it's not rocket surgery for me to figure out that you're lying to me… so don't tell me you don't have any money when we worked together. Everyday. FOR AN ENTIRE SUMMER! WITH TIPS I SAW CUSTOMERS HAND YOU!!) you might think twice. Pay the $30 now or buy a brand new cell phone. That thing was a piece of shit… anyway not unlike yourself. You should call your mom, you must make her extremely proud… So long as you can borrow someones cell phone. – Jeff (In actuality I showed the phone to Andy and he promptly called the police. However, there were no cameras to review and it's the word of a NCAA volleyball player [who was smart enough to bring a friend to help lie about my story] vs a live action muppet who owed someone money for pot [not exactly something you want to tell the cops] — so you do the math on who the cops believed ;P )- Jeff H

Freshman year my roommate loved taking my alcohol, so remembering my Chemistry teacher from high school taught me a way to make people's urine blue i thought this would be the best chance to do a chemistry experiment. I found some Methylene Blue at the lab and snuck some in his beer when he was drunk. The next morning i hear screaming from the bathroom. Lets just say it was funny watching him explain to the doctor and his parents that he was peeing blue. Both being clueless of how this could happen. Your Welcome B- Eric vH

To Zach k- Hey remember how you told the landlord that our house was fucked up and then we had to steam clean the carpets twice because you fucked us over. Well Zach payback is a bitch. We have been putting our chewing tobacco in your coffee grinds also we put laxative in the water. Oh and all four of us have been spitting in your milk for months. Also rob has been putting his ball hair in your coffee pot. So when you got rid of your coffee maker the other day because you thought it was leaking something that was probably just the mixture of ball hair, husky fine cut chew and some laxatives. And right now you are at the high school student teaching job and we put more laxative in your water today. And I think I am going to jerk off on your pillow today since we all move out tomorrow. Oh also you are 28 maybe and you should have real friends beside the ones you play with on halo for 5 hours a day. Also you made girls not what to come over because you are a god dam creeper. So I hope you see this and realize you have been drinking chew and ball hair for an entire week before you know anything was wrong. Also we have been fucking chicks in your shower whenever you leave the house. Well have good one J- Anonymous

All year my roommate would play small pranks on me so i had finally decided to get him back. On april fools day i moved his bed and all of his furniture out into the hallways. When he saw it he went balistic. Weeks go by and i come back to school on a monday and he moved out taking the tv and lamp with him. This upset me cause i cant miss 24. I then punched hole into his wall and put racists remarks on my wall. I called security and said you did it all. Now you have to pay the fines and now your gunna get kicked out of housing. I always win.- JNC

After nearly a year of taking the rap for, cleaning up after, and playing nursemaid to my loud, drunk, obnoxious, skanky roommate, I knew I had to find a way to give her a 'meaningful' parting gift. After accidentally ripping A LOT of paint off the ceiling in our dorm-suite's bathroom in the name of a final project (dont ask) I knew what I had to do to 'make things right'. After a few 'courage drinks' from her 'secret' stash I boldly repainted the bathroom…and it wasn't pretty. Considering I am a journalism student as she is taking interior design, who do you think our building manager is gonna believe when he see's what happened to his bathroom? Good luck getting your security deposit back you drunk bitch!- Jessica E

I finally got sick of all your crap, and working at a vet lab just made this so easy. A little dollop of tapeworm-infected dog feces into your soup last night helped me feel a little better, and I mixed some dog urine into your new bottle of face wash… oh yea, I also put the remainder of the feces under the soles of your new gucci flats. Enjoy walking in shit Bitch!- Nailah J

Remember how your ripstick magically went missing? Well i went home one night and of course it was laying in the hallway as usual, so i put it on the elevator and sent it to the first floor. Hopefully you'll learn to stop riding bikes and playing frisbee in the hall and go outside for once.- Anonymous