Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe.
You're Invited to Edward Snowden's Fourth of July Party!
From: Edward Snowden (email@example.com) To: Aaron Aarons; Aaron Aaronsmith; Aaron Aaronson; [...and the 316 Million Americans who have the right to know about this invitation] CC: Chinese Government; Russian Government; The Taliban; Really Anyone That Will Take Me At This Point Subj: Snowdawg's Annual "Independence" Day Bash!! Pictures of American flags, fireworks, etc. Picture of Snowden in the middle (poorly photoshopped on the body of George Washington, as if he made it himself) IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY, Y'ALL!! SO LET'S HANG OUT, COOK UP SOME BURGERS, AND FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING I DID! HAHAHA WE'RE COOL, RIGHT? [please do not bring people who will kill me] WHAT: You know, the usual - super informal, super laidback, super safe, super cool about espionage charges, etc, etc WHERE: Probably at Moscow International Airport (the seating area by Gate 16, Terminal A), or maybe the Arrival Lounge at Mariscal Sucre International Airport in Quito, Ecuador (basically wherever we can grill haha) WHEN: All day, baby (or until there's an "accident" and I get "kidnapped" haha jk I hope) WHY: Because America is the best, most awesome, most forgiving country in the world and oh my fuck what have i done please have mercy HOW: I did not think this far ahead shit WHAT I WILL HAVE: Burgers, hot dogs, archives of highly classified, unbelievably sensitive information, iPod speakers, ketchup/mustard/what not, quickly fading confidence that I have done the right thing, Pop Chips, my memories WHAT YOU SHOULD BRING: Booze, buns, relish, armed security, plastic cups, asylum, any music you might want to listen to, a time machine, fireworks if you're into that, anything - literally ANYTHING - to stop this fucking mental hell I now live in POST-BBQ PLANS: After we booze and chill for a while, we might head over to Iceland or something, depending on what you all/the international community is down for. If people want to head back to the US, that's cool, I just might meet you guys later or something. Yeah. Cool. Later. Sounds good. Fuck. RSVP: NO NEED BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE FREE AND OPEN WHETHER OR NOT YOU ATTEND PLEASE HELP ME I NEED HELP I JUST CRY ALL DAY AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A SNOWDAWG PARTY BECAUSE A SNOWDAWG PARTY DON'T BETRAY HIS COUNTRY