1. "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper
Giveaway Lyric: "They say that a stitch in time saves nine / They say I better stop or I'll go blind"
For as innocent-seeming and poppy as Cyndi Lauper may have appeared to be in the eyes of the masses, she did manage to score a hit with this feel-good song about the universality of masturbation.
2. "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol & Generation X
Giveaway Lyric: "Well I wait so long / For my love vibration / And I'm dancing with myself"
Perhaps no chorus in rock history sums up the casual, obligatory nature of the "end of the night masturbation-decision" quite like the line "When there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove I'll be dancing with myself". Hear hear, Mr. Idol!
3. "Hotel California" by The Eagles
Giveaway Lyric: "Welcome to the Hotel California / Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) / Such a lovely face"
The Eagles' classic "Hotel California" is not a song about a literal hotel, but rather, a large, overriding metaphor about the state of masturbation. The song's protagonist gets enticed by the "Hotel California", just as an individual gets enticed by the idea of masturbating, but ultimately finds out that it's a place he can "never leave", just as someone who's started masturbating can no longer cut it out of their lives.
Also, the "Such a lovely face" line clearly refers to a person seeing an attractive face then going home and masturbating to it. Uhhh, a little on the nose with that metaphor, eh Eagles?
4. "Blackbird" by The Beatles
Giveaway Lyric: "Take these broken wings and learn to fly / All your life / You were only waiting for this moment to arise"
The Beatles, being the true masters of pop music that they were, managed to sneak this quiet, unassuming acoustic tune into the middle of The White Album without even ardent fans picking up on its true meaning. What "moment" were John and Paul "waiting for"? You guessed it! Jizzing after masturbating.
It's just crazy in retrospect that the biggest band in pop music's history got away with no fewer than three songs that are secretly about jerking off (the other two being "Penny Lane" and the extremely popular, subversive masturbation anthem "Hey Jude")
5. "American Pie" by Don McLean
Giveaway Lyric: "So bye-bye, Miss American Pie / Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry"
Don McLean's unforgettable 70s folk anthem remains one of the most popular "secretly about masturbation" songs ever recorded, with generations of people gleefully singing along to the chorus without realizing that "drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry" is actually a reference to when you try to jerk off too many times in a row and can no longer ejaculate.
Also, we know "Miss American Pie" refers to nude Shannon Elizabeth from the popular American Pie films, but rock historians remain baffled by the cryptic reference to "The Day The Music Died", a mysterious term we may never truly understand but can safely assume that it has something to do with masturbating furiously.
6. "I'm In The Mood" by The Glenn Miller Orchestra
Giveaway Lyric: There are no lyrics, but you can just tell.
What were Glenn Miller and his Orchestra "in the mood" for? You guessed it: Jerkin' it 24/7. Just listen to that part where it gets all quiet then loud again! Masturbation Citaaayyyy. I can't BELIEVE they got away with this in the straight-laced 40s.
7. The "Charles In Charge" Theme Song
Giveaway Lyric: New boy in the neighborhood / Lives downstairs and it is understood. / He's there just to take good care of me
For such an innocent show, Charles In Charge really got away with some filth in the opening theme song, referencing a "new boy in the neighborhood" (aka, a hand) "Living downstairs" (we all know where THAT is) taking "good care of me" (WHOA, TMI, theme song lady!!!!)
Granted, the show is also about a literal new boy who moves to the neighborhood and lives downstairs, but the song is not about him, it's about the express-train to SPANKTOWNE.
8. "Peter And The Wolf: Peter's Theme" by Sergei Sergeyevich Prokofiev
Giveaway Lyric: Just listen to those friggin' STRINGS!
Russian composer Sergei Prokofiev's children's composition "Peter and the Wolf" famously assigns specific instruments to accompany each character in the story, but for some reason, one of the songs "Peter's Theme", no less is actually about masturbation. And, to make matters worse, if you Google "Peter and the Wolf secret masturbation song", you won't find ANY information online about this, because God forbid, people learn the TRUTH about this filthy, filthy children's music.
It's even more gratuitous than Gustav Holst's "Symphonies for The Planets", a series of classical compositions that each correspond to one of the planets in the solar system but secretly also correspond to galactic masturbation. And we're supposed to think classical music is soooo high and mighty? PSHHHH. Also Bach jerked off during everything he wrote.
9. "O Canada", National Anthem of Canada
Giveaway Lyric: "From far and wide, O Canada / We stand on guard for thee."
This one's self-explanatory. An entire nation's National Anthem secretly dedicated to masturbation?? Yup. Insane.
10. "Happy Birthday To You" (Traditional)
Giveaway Lyric: "Happy Birthday dear [Name], Happy Birthday to you!"
That's right this whole time, at everyone's birthday party ever, we've unknowingly been singing about jerkin' it. Oh, then let's blow out some CANDLES (dicks) on this BIRTHDAY CAKE (big pile of jizz) to celebrate THAT INDIVIDUAL (human symbol of masturbation).
God, who knew Music was so filthy? Don't even get me STARTED on Books.