1. You're not you when you're drunk.
2. By drinking, you put both you and your friends at greater risk of getting hurt.
3. You'll save money.
4. Everyone loves a designated driver.
5. You might just live long enough to realize death is only but a sweet release from the cruel grip of a world where Pitbull, and people who want to reward Pitbull for being Pitbull, exist.
Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.