The purpose of this brief questionnaire is to determine if you will be a suitable male contestant on our upcoming season of The Bachelorette. We must preface the interview with a request for a high resolution picture of your body because as we all know, fairytale love must begin with abnormal abdominal protrusions and uncomplicated hyper-masculinity.
On The Bachelorette you will have mere weeks to convince a woman to engage in a legally binding betrothal. To expedite this annoying process it will help if you have experienced some sort of tragedy that you can bludgeon the bachelorette with on the first date in a transparent bid to evoke her sympathy. Are you a single father? Maybe you, or every member of your family, have debilitating cancer? Maybe on a sixth grade field trip to Circle Square Ranch you fell off that horse, Bucky, and fractured your arm? Or, the real jackpot: maybe your son was trampled by a stampede of Clydesdales on the way to a chemotherapy session? Anything that can be used as emotional ammunition against your romance opponent is welcomed and encouraged.
Here at ABC we try to avoid alienating any viewers with confusing words or ideas. This is great news for any hopeful contestants who only ever used their college textbooks for advanced push-up aids. However, it is important that you have a mastery of basic romantic lingo. Here are some of the phrases we'd like you to work into conversations to keep viewers interested and rapidly depreciate the profundity of the English language like a 1929 stock broker:
"Journey," "falling for you," "the right reasons," "good person," "beautiful," "happy," "real," "love," and "special."
Every season on "The Bachelorette", it is of paramount importance that we insert a few pathological liars and apathetic sociopaths into the mix to spice things up. If you already have a girlfriend it will allow us the opportunity to have the bachelorette make use of her new found egomania like a belligerent feudal lord and batter someone with derogatory vitriol about "respect." After all, we consider it to be unquestionably incorrigible for anyone to be dating more than one person at a time. It is a great dishonesty to string someone along while in love with another. Monogamy is absolutely the only way to form a sincere
Allow me to me clarify: you don't actually have to be a good Christian, you don't even have to be good person. We simply want to know if you will invoke Jesus a minimum of twice per episode to prove to our bachelorette and to America that you believe love is a wholesome threesome with a man, a woman, and the good lord. We don't want to challenge the beliefs of our viewers. That's a job for books. Seriously, if you're Buddhist or atheist or something, don't even apply. We won't pick you.
We do not mean to be rude, however, in the past we have had some difficulty with discerning applicants who argue that a 25 to 1, polygamous dog fight is not a scenario that yields good romantic odds. Furthermore, it seems that some applicants have taken issue with the fact that in the approximate forty hours of genuine interaction you will be offered before proposing to your potential life partner, forty hours will be spent on sumptuous hotel rooftops, and amid preposterous landscapes with catered cuisine and private performances from America's most vanilla adult contemporary pop and country artists. In other words, they are concerned that the experience is "inauthentic," "necessarily detrimental to fostering real emotion," and that the luster will wear off when the happy couple returns to eating Papa John's pizza in their Scottsdale apartment while screaming their conflicting hypotheses as to who is the killer on the first season of "Whodunnit?" at the television. But, hey, that's all nonsense, right?
Okay, that's the entirety of our interview. Yup. four questions. We find that a startlingly perfunctory screening process is really all you need when you're dealing with inch-deep, ingenuous bodybuilders who can turn the art of courtship and passion into a modernized game of American Gladiators controlled by a fascist husk of a woman given the power of the eye of Sauron.
Right. Thanks again.