Welcome to Roommate Confessions, the column where we share the worst stuff you've done to your roommate. If you think you can top these stories, confess your sins at the bottom of this page.
You were never really around a whole lot, but I always thought you were kind of a prick. I suppose I didn't have any really reason to, but when you would be gone for a week at a time boning your high-school girlfriend, I would pee in the sink beside your bed 5 or 6 times a night. I once jerked off into it because I was too lazy to look for an old rag. I farted all over your bed, used your razor, stole all your porn, and constantly pocketed change from your desk drawers. And I don't know how you got so "stoned" on all that fake weed I was selling you.- M.P.
Hey man, about my conversation with the girl you like up on the roof
..we really did make out. I know you'll be upset now but lets just face facts, that Madden game back in the fall that you said you "beat" me in and continued to rub it in my face relating to how I failed at life because I couldn't beat you? False, I obviously succeeded where you could not, in the bedroom. So next time if you win by distracting me during a video game, know that it means business.- John E.
Hey Kev, you know how you always sleep late everyday and miss all your classes but you continue to tell everyone how you're still doing good and going to keep your scholoarship? Meanwhile I'm trying to make up credits and go to all my classes and be quiet at 3 in the afternoon cause you're still asleep? It's cool though, because you left your email up on my comp so you're teachers are now aware that you miss class cause of your STD treatments (i replied to "all" in your class email a.k.a. everyone got it in your class) and your coworkers are now aware (including the girl you had sex with) of why you miss work also. Not to mention, when you thought your facebook was "deactivated," it somehow managed to send messages to several girls around campus. Next time don't save your password. Have fun during finals week when everyone treats you weird and have to get up before noon.- Greg S.
John, remember how you were a cross dressed character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show for a Halloween party, got ridiculously drunk and I took care of you all right and on several other occasions when you burst into our dorm room yelling obnoxiously? I made every opportunity to encourage you to embarrass yourself, and would tackle you into walls and doors when I got a chance because I knew you would forget it. Funny thing, you attributed those excessive headaches to alcohol, which worked in my favor. Glad you've stopped being such an alcoholic, and I can finally get some sleep now.- Ryan B.
Remember when you kept coming into my room and stealing all of my bottled beers, which I rarely buy because I'm on a college budget. Well it only takes a hammer to put the cap back on an empty bottle that has been refilled with natures liquid gold, and a camera to record you praying to the porcelain god's for the rest of the night. You probably thought that Keystone tasted like piss until you've had my own brew.- Xian B.
Remember how you were a fat shit and never left the house and only played MY xbox all day? How could you, you still do it. anyway, after 8 months i had enough of your shit about how your failing everything and your teachers hate you (not the only ones) i decided to exact revenge. i opened all four of my xbox controllers and proceeded to clean them out with your toothbrush. all that dead skin mixed with sweat and who knows what else, from 6 guys frequently using them. yummy. stop being fat. and go to class- Greg A.
Remember when I worked in that bitchy sorority for $5 a meal, and all the shitty food I could dream of? Do you also remember that time a more than average bitchy bitch told me "get me miracle whip now, because regular mayonaise is fattening"? Yeah well I was training for a marathon that incredibly hot day, and didn't feel like taking a shower before work. I'm glad I didn't, because I bet that nut cheese miracle whip was real healthy for you.- Tommie M.
Dearest Laura, Rooming with you was probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made. If I had known you were such a bitch, it never would have happened. You washed the dishes a total of 3 times, you NEVER swept, vacuumed, or would even wipe off the bathroom counter even when I asked you to. You left so much shit in the living room it was unbearable. You came home from work and always bitched to me about your day, but never cared to ask how mine was: you picked that job, not me! Well, remember how the bathroom sink was so clogged with your sick ginger hair? Yes, I unclogged it, but I neglected to tell you that I used two of your knives to pull out all your hair and whatever else went down the drain for the past few months. Then I let the knives sit in the kitchen sink, purposely not washing them, until you FINALLY washed them almost a month later. You couldn't figure out what was all over your knives and decided it was just food and left some of the crusty stuff on them and used them to put peanut butter on your toast. Oh I also constantly used your towel to wipe my hands on after I went to the bathroom. Maybe you should have cleaned up after yourself and not been such a raging bitch all the time. Love, Rachelle PS- You still owe me $7
- Rachelle P.
Remember how you decided to take the last check you had before you quit your job to bring your lazy ass boyfriend down here? And how for the last three weeks I have been paying all the bills and living off ramen because you said you needed the money to get your car fixed (which I gave you), so I couldn't afford to put food in the apartment? Well I finally got tired of everything, especially how you bring home take out food for yourself and your fat ass boyfriend and letting me live off ramen. Bad news, someone mysteriously broke in tonight and stole your x-box 360, all the games, your t.v. and all 135 of his DVD's he brought. But the good news is I won a lotto ticket for 1000 dollars tonight. I'm so lucky with those scratch tickets. I'll be out by the time you come back from your uncle's wedding in the morning. The same person who robbed you moved all of my stuff into my boyfriends place. That was nice of him wasn't it?- Jen K.