By Susanna Wolff
The Compliment Just to Be Polite
[emoticon: slanty mouth with heart eyes]
Usage: When fat girls post pictures of themselves in formal wear and everyone needs to say how great they look or they're mean.
Example [this should look like stylized facebook comments]:
Joanna: Prom 2013!!
Katie: OMG you look so pretty
Claire: so pretty
The "Thanks, But Please Don't Comment Anymore"
Usage: When your aunt comments on a photo a random friend tagged you in and you don't want her to start a conversation with you in that comment thread.
Claire: bumpin and grindin with You Katie Justin Kevin Joanna
Aunt Leslie: Oh, that looks like so much fun. You girls!
Aunt Leslie: When are you going to come visit? You said you'd set up the the Rako box at Christmas.
The "Congratulations, I Have Nothing Left to Say"
[emoticon: smile with raised eyebrows]
Usage: When you know you should comment on someone's life event, but you really don't have anything personal to say.
Diane and Chris are engaged.
Emily: congrats you guys!! finally!
Paul: congrats, i'm so happy for you
The "I Don't Want to Fight You, But You Need to Know That Your Opinion Is Fucking Stupid"
[emoticon: a regular face with a red handprint across the mouth]
Usage: When your extended family or old college acquaintances have dumb shit to say about politics, movies, or anything else you know you know more about than they do.
Aunt Leslie: this treyvon stuff has gotten a little out of proportion, right?
The "Whoops, I Accidentally Liked Something I Shouldn't Have"
[emoticon: rectangle mouth with teeth showing and blush cheeks]
Usage: When you're deep in someone's photos from 2009, just judging the hell out of her life, and you accidentally like something.
Emily: Prom 2009!!
Diane: OMG you look so pretty
You liked this.
The Sweeping "Thank You"
[emoticon: a stack of smileys layered on top of each other]
Usage: When you want to acknowledge that all of your Facebook friends did the bare minimum and said, "Happy birthday" on your wall after they were told it was your birthday, but you don't want to have to actually thank any of them specifically.
Paul: happy birthday!
Diane: happy birthday!
Aunt Leslie: happy birthday!
The Something That Isn't Liking
[emoticon: a completely emotionless face, dot eyes, little line mouth]
Usage: When you feel like you need to respond in some way to a friend's depressing status, but you don't want to elaborate with a personal message.
Paul: RIP Aunt Leslie