Deploy any one of these techniques and your penis will be wrapped in the warm embrace of a lover's grip faster than you can say "hand jobs actually aren't that great."

The Handy Guide to Gettin Handies

1. Ask for a blow job. This is the classic negotiation technique of asking for more than what you want, or "anchoring".


2. Promise to get her off afterwards. This is a classic negotiation technique called "lying."


3. You know how dogs will sometimes cutely nudge their noses underneath their owner's hand so that before the owner knows it, they're actively petting the dog? That, but with your dick.


4. Tell her that you love her but you just really don't want a hand job right now, okay? It's called reverse psychology and it WORKS.


5. Cry. As they say, a pity-handy is better than no handy at all.