"See that guy with an iPhone? Hipster. See that guy with an Android? Just some tech hipster reacting against iPhones. See that guy with an old-timey rotary phone? Ugh, what a fucking hipster.
Oh, and that dude in a trendy plaid shirt that EVERYONE is wearing, but also dude with the $2 thrift store t-shirt that no one else is wearing? Somehow both hipsters. Look at that guy, buying tickets to some obscure art house film. And that guy going to a big blockbuster, probably to enjoy it ironically. Hipster and hipster. And the girl with those old fashioned glasses, and that girl with the too modern glasses, and the girl wearing contact lenses, because, what, she's too cool for glasses?
Jeans too tight? Hipster. Too short? Hipster. They're fucking everywhere. It's like, ugh, can't you just do things the way I, a normal person, would do them instead of trying to be all "cool" by doing something "I wouldn't do." It's like, get over yourself.
"Alright, I KNOW people are gonna get all angry about this, but I have to say it. Baseball is boring. There I said it. I said the thing that most people think about baseball. Yeah, I COULD take the time to learn the details and history that make baseball a fascinating, tactical game, but you know what's more fun? Complaining about something I know nothing about. Everyone enjoys that.
And what am I supposed to do while watching this snooze-a-palooza? Enjoy the outdoors, drink beer, and hang out with friends? No, thank you. Seriously, this shit is almost as bad as soccer. Isn't it weird how the shittiest sports are the ones I know the least about? I must have the best damn taste in the world."
"Ooooooh you're going to bruuuunnch? Ooooh Mr. Hoity Toity yuppie likes eating eggs, and fries, and coffee, and burgers, and pretty much any food you would ever want served at the same time! Why so hungry? Burn too many calories gentrifying the neighborhood? What, you think because brunch is a "thing" you have to do it to be cool? Or is it just because you "enjoy" eating "food" and drinking "a bunch of alcohol" with "friends" after "sleeping in"? Pfffft. Call me if you want to meet up for dinner; it'll be a bunch of friends eating food and drinking alcohol but at a different and somehow better time of day."
"Oh man, this thing is shitty but still way-hay-hay better than Justin Bieber, right? Granted, I don't listen to any radio stations that play Justin Bieber. And I haven't ever listened to a Justin Bieber album. Come to think of it, I think I've only heard one song of his, when I went out of my way to hear it on YouTube to see what all the fuss was about. But that one time I certainly didn't like it, so fuck that guy forever. You know what else is dumb? Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. It's like they're not even TRYING to appeal to my particular demographic."
"Vegans, right? Always going on and on about their dumb food choices. They clearly have some kind of weird emotional or psychological problems when it comes to food. And if they don't eat animal products, how will they ever understand my hilarious blog devoted entirely to pictures of bacon and pizza."
"Uh oh, looks like this person I've never met is having a complete psychological breakdown. Isn't that hilarious? Look, she's in ENTERTAINMENT; if she didn't want to live in a giant digital panopticon her entire life, maybe she shouldn't like performing for people who love her. She deserves whatever horrible jokes people make about her because she's just desperate for attention. Besides, this joke is going to get me, like fifty new Twitter followers. I know it.