There's lots of wedding planning material out there, but all of it is wrapped in lace, dipped in soft words and put on display behind rose-colored glass. Weddings are difficult, expensive events to plan, and most guides will gloss over a few annoying truths. So here, as fair warning, are 7 things no one else will tell you about planning a wedding.
Oh my god, everyone is getting married at the same time. Just this month I have three weddings, six bachelor parties, and eighteen bridal showers
Wow, that sounds like a lot.
Yeah, I'm exhausted. It's like, ugh, I don't even want to get all dressed up and spend a bunch of money to go to your stupid wedding AND have to buy you a gift on top of that.
I'm not talking about yours, of course. I'm talking about all those OTHER horrible weddings that were pretty much exactly the same as yours will be.
Congratulations on your special day. And by "you" I'm assuming you're the bride. Now that it's just us gals here it's time for some straight talk -- your husband-to-be is a Jim Belushi-esque man-child who is as inept at wedding planning as he is uninterested in it. You'll still want him to feel involved so he doesn't get distracted and try to recreate Bud Light commercials with his buddies in the backyard, so maybe you should let him get the marriage license. Guys love that paperwork stuff. Makes 'em feel manly. But you should check up on him a couple times to make sure that fucking idiot can actually manage this ONE SIMPLE TASK. Do you have to do everything around here? While you're here planning a wedding, he's in the alley trying to catch stray dogs. Oh, but you love that big galoot. Now, let's get started!
I'm the groom.
I am a book and cannot hear you.
Hello! How can I help you?
Hi, yeah, I'm calling because your website says you do weddings but it doesn't list how much you charge, what food you serve, or any other information that any person would reasonably want to know.
Ha ha, no, it certainly doesn't! So, you want us to do your wedding, huh?
Well, no, not necessarily. Do you have a menu or something that explains what kind of food you make?
We can make any kind! This is your special day!
You're the food experts here. We don't know what we're doing. What kind of stuff have you made in the past?
All kinds of stuff!
I just -- never mind. How much do you charge, on average?
Well that depends what kind of food you get.
Why are you so awful?
Tell ya what: instead of answering these basic questions now, why don't we schedule a meeting for next month where I'll avoid your questions in person. That way I can waste more of both our time.
Do I have a choice?
Alright, everyone, stop having fun! Instead, gather around to watch the bride and groom do something they are terrible at -- dancing! Now normally this is something that they would only do after consuming half their weight in alcohol in a completely dark room, but on this special day they will instead ask for the complete attention of their closest friends and family. They have selected either a slow "romantic" song that will immediately devolve into boring swaying, or a peppy song that will have them clumsily stumbling over each other for three minutes. Each minute will last one eternity. After that, they will both dance with their parents -- something they have never had any reason to do before this moment.
Oh my god, did you notice the chairs?
I did! These chairs look like they're sliiiiiightly better than the cheapest chairs.
Definitely worth the extra money.
But the chairs are nothing compared to the vase of flowers on the mantle. I bet they didn't have to put that there, but they did.
I'm still in shock after having not two, but THREE side-dishes available! You can really see all the thought that went into this wedding.
And I feel so secure here... why do you think that is?
I bet it's the liability insurance. I can feel it in the air.
Oh, did they get that?
I bet they were required to!
Well, it makes a difference.
ONE YEAR OUT
I've built out a detailed, itemized spreadsheet showing our expected expenses, actual expenses, and places where we can probably save money by doing more work ourselves.
Perfect! And I've found that if we spend about eight straight days making our own decorations, we can save $100.
WHAT A BARGAIN!
Here are three different floral options. They're all just flowers, but their pricing is sliiiiiightly different.
Let's discuss it for four hours.
ONE WEEK OUT
Hey, apparently there's a cake-cutting fee of $200.
Whatever. Sure. Also, someone sent us a letter saying if we don't give them $500 they'll fill the church with bees.
How's the wedding planning coming?
The same as it always is -- laborious, stressful, and thankless
Well, I'll check in tomorrow just to make sure nothing has changed.