If You Ate At Restaurants Like You Did At The Dining Hall
  1. Waiter

    Good evening, thirteen freshmen guys in pajama pants terrified to come here until everyone else on their floor does. Are you ready to order?

  2. Customer

    Yes. I'm super hungry so I'm just gonna start rattling stuff off on a whim as I see it then figure out if I actually want to eat it in a few minutes after it's on my plate, if that's alright?

  3. Waiter

    Of course! Can I start you off with something to drink?

  4. Customer

    Yes. I'll have a Coke, but can you also mix in some Sprite, Root Beer, and Orange Fanta? Then taste-test it, and when you realize that all you can taste is orange, pour a third of it out and fill it back up with Coke. It'll still just taste like orange but that's fine.

  5. Waiter

    Excellent choice. Would you like me to add ice by holding the cup against the ice machine, wondering if it's working, then having 46 chunks instantly fall out and spill shit all over you?

  6. Customer

    Yeah, that'd be great. Also, I saw the juice machine over there and realized I haven't had grape juice in like forever, and I kind of want it now for some reason. Is it weird if I order that? Ah screw it, bring me two tiny glasses of grape juice.

  7. Waiter

    Two hot, wet glasses of grape juice right out of the dishwasher, you got it. And for your entree?

  8. Customer

    I'll take some of that lasagna, secretly hoping you cut me a piece that actually has sauce on it but if it doesn't I'm obviously not gonna say anything, a side of that spaghetti, and I'll have one square of the thing that I believe is chicken but will soon realize it's actually some weird crusted fish thing that's way too ambitious for a dining hall, but I'll take some bites out of it so I can throw it away less guiltily.

  9. Waiter

    Very good.

  10. Customer

    Oh man, I didn't realize you had chicken sandwiches! I should've looked slightly ahead on the menu. In that case, I guess I'll also have a chicken sandwich with waffle fries. Still bring the lasagna too though, because it's too late to turn back now. I'll eat them both anyway and dip the fries in the marinara sauce a couple times to lazily pretend like it's a coherent meal.

  11. Waiter

    Fries in the marinara, got it. Anything else?

  12. Customer

    Yes! I'd like one of those little mixed fruit bowls where every piece tastes like some vague rough draft of a melon (it tastes crappy enough for me to pretend it makes my entire meal retroactively healthy). I'll have one bowl of that chocolate pudding I just saw, even though I haven't even thought about the existence of pudding in eleven friggin years, but I'll take some anyway and eat it like it's a normal acceptable thing us adults do all the time. I'll have one bowl of night-cereal, just throw that on the side somewhere. Oh! Also bring me a roll with butter, just for the everloving hell of it. And put it on a little saucer that I have to slant upwards to fit it on my already-super-fatass-full table in front of me.

  13. Waiter

    Absolutely - I'll bring you three butter packets, too, even though one is more than enough for like nine human pieces of bread. Anything for dessert this evening?

  14. Customer

    Well yeah, obviously -- you have a sundae bar, so why wouldn't I eat two sundaes a day, seven days a week, which I would also definitely think to do even if I wasn't getting a free sundae bar every day of my life. Also, can you put Butterfinger-topping on the bottom of the bowl, then the soft serve, then more Butterfinger on top? That way there's candy in every bite up until the end.

  15. Waiter

    One Regular Sundae, you got it. Anything else?

  16. Customer

    Nope that'll do, thanks!

  17. Waiter

    Sure thing, coming right up!

  18. Customer

    Also! Three more chicken sandwiches so I can take them back to my room, throw them in my micro-fridge for lunch tomorrow, but end up eating them an hour from now for absolutely no goddamn reason.

  19. Waiter

    Yeah of course, that already comes with every order.

  20. Customer

    Alright, I thought so, just double-checking. Also, I'm kind of in a rush, if that's ok? I have to go play Foosball with some strangers for two and a half hours then go watch my roommate's girlfriend's a cappella group perform, which were definitely two things I always loved doing before coming to college. Thanks!