BEHOLD, ALL OF HUMANITY: IT IS I, YOUR LORD GOD, RETURNING TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE END OF DAYS IS NIGH! ALL YE PREPARETH FOR THE ULTIMATE JUDGMENT, WHERE I SHALLE, ONCE AND FOR ALL.... Uhhh, wait, hang on a second. What is that?
What is what, oh Lord?
THAT. What is that little fluffy thing yapping around?
Oh! Haha, that's my Pomeranian, Bella. She yaps sometimes - she's fine, she just got spooked by that plastic bag that blew by when you materialized.
I do not recall creating this creature.
Dogs? Oh yeah, we kinda bred them ourselves, our ancestors took wolves and kept breeding the more docile ones and long story short, now they're this. Crazy, huh? Bellaaaa, stop eating those Dandelions! Nice, now you're choking on them, are you happy? Ya gotta stop eating weeds you dum-dum, I just fed you! AWWWW DASSS MY WIDDLE FWUFFY DUM-DUM! Haha, she thinks there's food in my hand because I made a fist for a half-second.
Wait...that used to be a WOLF? What the hell is wrong with it?
Nothing's wrong with Bella! She's my little, stupid pillow-pal. Ya want yer crinkly frog toy, Bella? Ahh she's hiding now 'cause she hates the crinkly sound the toy makes. So anyway, what were you saying about Revelations or whatever?
I...I don't understand? These 'dogs', they...help you hunt? They provide protection of some sort?
Nah, they're just hilarious. Haha! Look at her, she keeps barking at that parking meter then running away from it. It's ok, Bella, it can't move or do anything to you! Stop staring at me suspiciously like I'm in cahoots with the parking meter, I'm just calming you down. Oh look, here comes your little friend!
Wait...What is THAT thing? Is that another tiny wolf?
Yeah, this is my neighbor's French Bulldog, Jonathan Franzen. He's an English Professor (my neighbor, not this lil' guy, haha!)
Why is it breathing like that? Is this creature inflicted with some sort of plague?
Nah, he just naturally breathes really hard. Especially today, since it's 79 degrees out. He doesn't do so well when the temperature gets above 70 or below 65. Hiiiii Franzie! Nooo, my cell phone is not a treat for you. Nooo, my shoelaces are not a treat for you. Now he's biting my hand cause he wants me to pet him, but you have to be careful because if he sees his tail while you're petting him he'll FREAK out. But you were saying, it's the day of judgment today??
Yeah yeah it's the Day of Judgment or whatever but wait, ok, back up. These things...how do they survive?? Does their small stature give them some sort of elusive advantage in the wild?
Hahaha oh hell no, this little guy can't even jump up onto a couch without falling four times and whining at you until you pick him up. Also I don't think French Bulldogs can breed naturally without a Caesarian section, cause their hips are really small and their heads are hilariously big. But man oh man, are they adorable. Look at his head! It looks like we entered some sort of Doggie NBA Jam Cheat Code.
But...this is crazy! Why do these creatures exist?? HOW do these creatures exist? I equipped wolves with the ability to hunt in packs and survive through harsh winters and chase down huge, dangerous prey as a team and...wait, what is this animal trying to do to me?
Oh, hehe, Bella thinks your beard is another dog and she's trying to eat it. She really has this thing for dogs with puffy white fur, likes to chew their faces. Which is funny, cause then she's randomly scared of white cats and rabbits.
Why is she doing-- hehe, hehehehe that tickles! Bella! Stooooopppppp itttt heheheheheeeeehehe. You're just a crazy little puffball, ain't cha? YESSS YOUUU AREEEE. YESSS YOU ARRRREE. Awww, she nibbled the tippy-tip of my finger while I was fake-scolding her. Hehehe you're just a big ol piece of cute Cotton Candy. Cotton CUTIE, that's what I'm gonna call you! Haha what is she doing now??
Ah, she just loves rolling around on sunny asphalt whenever she's excited.
Ohhhh, you're excited, huh Bella? OHH YOU'RE SO EXCITTEDDDD COME HERE!!! Hahaha awwww, she is LOVING it when I scratch behind this ear, check this out! Hey check out what she's doing when I scratch this ear. Ok wait she's not doing it anymore, but it was so cute, she was sticking out her tongue like this. You were sticking out your tongue, weren't cha you little goofball?
Haha, yeah, she's something else.
Seriously, though, if you ever need someone to dogsit for you, I'm totally in. I'm free pretty much all of September too, I know you're planning to go away later this Fall (because I know all - haha, jk), so just let me know.
Sure thing, God.
Alright, I gotta run. Was there... something I was gonna say before? Something about, like, French Bulldogs or something? OH! I remember now. I was just gonna say, you should totally dress Bella up as something ridiculous for Halloween this year.
Already one step ahead of you, God, we already got her a tiny green dress shirt and doggie briefs, she's gonna be Puppy Walter White.
Oh that's PERFECT! Definitely send me some pics when that happens. Ok, bye Bella! Bye crazy French Bulldog who's still staring up at where that airplane flew by four minutes ago!
Seeya! Say bye, Bella! [Grabs her paw, makes it kind-of wave]