So Youve Accidentally Ordered A Super Girly Drink

So you're at a fancy cocktail bar and you're trying to read the dimly-lit menu, and you vaguely make out that one drink contains vodka (cool!), ginger (yum!), a splash of something (probably yum!), and two things you've never heard of, so you order it on a whim, only to quickly learn that the cocktail is literally a giant, fluorescent strawberry inside another neon strawberry inside a pink glass made out of crushed-together parasols. Whoops!

Don't panic! Here's how to SAVE FACE and remain SUPER COOL AND MANLY in front of all your friends (who are all manly construction workers wearing hardhats at all times).


Step 1: Keep Repeating That You Didn't Know What You Were Ordering


"So THAT'S what's in a Tuscaloosa Teaser?? Man, I only ever drink BUDWEISERS in CANS that I open with my FARTS but I guess I better drink it now that it's here. OOOH YUMMMYY, it's SOOO GOOOD" then pretend to aggressively love the drink, even though you definitely will anyway, because it will be delicious.


Step 2: Make A Joke About Sex And The City


"Who am I, the Samantha Lady from Sex And The City??? Haha – hey, step into my office, my attractive young underling, I'm gonna blow you! NOMNOMNOMNOM" Then mime a graphic blowjob for the next seven minutes. This will show everyone you aren't afraid to poke a little fun at yourself, like that time the politician went on SNL and said the thing he says.


Step 3: Keep Declaring How Actually-Strong The Drink Is


Say with a straight face, "You know, this drink's actually pretty strong!" then take a sip and make a wincing 'wooo!' face. If people still aren't buying it, pretend that the drink is so potent, it's making cartoon smoke come out of your ears and you have to keep hitting yourself over the head with a mallet. (This is not to be confused with your tongue rolling out of your mouth like a carpet – that's when you see an attractive lady and/or female cat).


Step 4: POUND That Drink, Son


Finish the drink really fast then slam the glass down and go AHHHHH!!!! And shake your head with purpose. People around you who were saying to themselves "Look at that guy with the dumb girly drink!" are now saying to themselves "WHOA I take that back, he's actually like JOHN WAYNE if JOHN WAYNE'S MANLY SWEAT formed its own DUDE shaped like John Wayne."


Step 5: Order Five Shots Of Whiskey In Dusty Old-West Shot Glasses And One Flagon Mead With A Super-Manly Silver DICK For A Handle


And that's it! You're in the clear.