5 Things Facebook Needs to Stop Suggesting

As if there wasn't already enough pressure on me to acknowledge the separate times all my friends shot out of their respective vagina slides and into the world. Not only am I expected to write something clever on their wall once a year, but now I'm expected to give them a gift card to iTunes so they can go download "Lenny Kravitz's Greatest Hits"? Come on Facebook, I'm not made of digital dollars, or whatever it is one uses to buy things from the internet.

And why can't I just give my friends one of the many copies of "Lenny Kravitz's Greatest Hits" I already own? Maybe you should suggest that, since you know me so goddamn well.

Besides, the whole point of buying someone a gift is to see the disappointed look on their face when they realize you got them a gift card. I'm not ready to give that up. No, I would like to be there in person when they realize my love for them is equal to $5 worth of Lenny Kravitz, thank you very much.

 

5 Things Facebook Needs to Stop Suggesting

Oh great. A guy can't even make a joke about how crucial American Apparel is to our societal fabric without getting bombarded with advertisements for Lycra onesies now? Well, fuck me. I guess I'll refrain from telling my friend Tommy to go buy that body pillow in the shape of Saved By the Bell's Zach Morris, then. I wouldn't want suggestions to "Like" Franklin & Bash getting splattered all over his sidebar. The guy doesn't need any more trouble getting a date.

And speaking of this "Liking" business...

 

5 Things Facebook Needs to Stop Suggesting

Like Michael Jackson? Click "Like" to become a fan of Walmart, where you can always find Michael Jackson music! And Michael Jackson t-shirts! And Michael Jackson key chains, potato chips, and lubricant! We'll rename our massive international conglomerate MichaelJacksonMart if you just click on this link!

Like Breaking Bad? Click "Like" to become a fan of the official Frankie Muniz Fan Page and download all of your favorite Frankie Muniz films and TV shows, except the one that has any connection whatsoever to Breaking Bad!

Like Franklin & Bash? No...?

Like dogs? Click "Like" to become a fan of Walmart, where you can find all of your pet supplies at a friendly price! If you click "Like" in the next five minutes, we'll actually give you a labrador puppy! PLEASE CLICK ON US! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLICK THIS LINK!

 

5 Things Facebook Needs to Stop Suggesting

Yeah, you think I should start a game of "Word Pop Farm Song" with that friend of a friend who I've never actually met in person? Sure, I could do that. And while I'm at it, maybe I should take up crystal meth and start flavoring my coffee with cocaine.

I know how it works. Today I'm just chilling out playing Tiki Resort and next week I'm balls deep in a Round Robin tournament of Bejeweled Blitz that doesn't end until someone's lying dead in a pool of vomit and stray keyboard parts.

But hey, maybe I'm overreacting. After all, it's just an online game with someone I barely know. It's not like the game would become so intense that I'd end up sending them a message explaining exactly how I was going to carve their parents into tiny pieces if they don't STOP FUCKING CHEATING YOU FUCKING NO GOOD ROTTEN DICKFART!

FUCK!

 

5 Things Facebook Needs to Stop Suggesting

How many shoe companies exist in reality and how many of them are merely figments of an alternate online universe dedicated to overwhelming my senses with advertisements for all the hottest new styles in men's boots? And just how many hot new styles can there possibly be? And do I need shoes with belt buckles on them? And also, why aren't you answering any of my questions? Hello? Computer?

I have enough shoes, is what I'm getting at.