Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. College is a place for higher learning and personal growth, self-expression and community building. Some of the people you'll meet at this prestigious university will be by your side for decades to come.
You can learn a little bit from every person you meet in this maze you've set out to navigate. The maze of life. Take, for instance, this dedicated young individual, standing out in the sun frying for some measly nickels and dimes in his pocket at the end of the day. But y'know what? He'll go to sleep tonight, sweat plastered to his forehead, body burnt from the harsh rays, feet sore and shoes muddied by the endless stream of fresh faces entering this fine institution, and he'll know what it means to work. He'll appreciate what it means to live.
Sometimes life gives you second chances. Like remember when you wanted to make that great joke to the first guy but couldn't think of the right wording in time? Well, now's your chance! Sometimes opportunities are missed. Life happens. And so what if the joke falls flat. What matters is that you went for it. You had the courage to commit, even if it was only the second time around. Here's a lesson for you, even if you fail, at least you've succeeded at trying.
I know what you're thinking: he's just like the last two guys. What more can I learn from this? Look, sometimes you see people who you think are the same, but remember, despite superficial similarities, everyone has something to offer. This man is doing you a service. Show some respect. It's not the most glorious job in the world, but he's here, he's doing it, and most importantly, he's doing it with a smile on his face. It's called work ethic. Work hard. Reward yourself. That's how the world turns. Read some Adam Smith. It's all about the Invisible Hand. Change your life.
You've gotta be kidding me. Christ. OK, well, uh, each and every person is a unique... like a snowflake or something pretty that's also unique. Did I say this already? If not, listen up because this is an important lesson. It takes all sorts to make the world turn, right? So, just know that there are strength in numbers. Know that no one can make this trek alone and don't be afraid to ask for help on the road to... to success! Or enlightenment. Either works.
Are you fucking serious? How many of these fuckin useless assholes does it take to find me a fuckin parking spot? I get it. Follow the car ahead of me until I see an open spot. No fuckin shit asshole. Fucking pink-haired beauty school dropout art major cu -- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is my fault. Let's just move on.
FUCK. THIS. SHIT. This is what I'm paying for?! A paycheck so Suzie Boozer #3 can afford another fuckin Vodka Red Bull just so she can get plastered enough to give Chris "Bull" Dowzer another blowie behind a dumpster at Dennys. Fuckin Christ.
Look, this is the article I pitched and I'm sticking to it, ok? You want a list about "the X types of people you see at blah blah blah" read one of these.