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What You Say You'll Do in College vs. What You'll Actually Do
By Susanna Wolff
Go to SO MANY parties! :: Go to too many parties freshman year, then finally make some close friends that you can casually hang out with without having to go to gross, sweaty parties all the time. Sleep with SO MANY people! :: Sleep with 2-5 people. Major in computer programming or something useful and also cool like that. :: Majorly fail your first computer programming midterm, then drop the class and take something useless like photography instead. Join an intramural team. :: Quit an intramural team. Take advantage of the free gym and finally get in shape. :: Take advantage of the all-you-can-eat dining hall trips and finally eat a cheeseburger with Belgian waffles for buns. Get better about writing papers ahead of time. :: Get better at writing papers an hour before they're due. Read more. :: Read more of the beginning and end of books so you know just enough to bullshit successfully in class. Figure out what you want to do in life. :: Figure out what you don't want to do in life. Realize your potential and maintain a great GPA. :: Realize your grades completely don't matter because you've already gotten into college and almost all future employers you'll ever have won't care. Stay friends with your buddy Tim from high school. :: Stay Facebook friends with your old buddy Tim from high school, so you can continue to judge his life even after you've stopped ever seeing him. Stay friends with your new buddy Jake from your freshman hall. :: Stay away from that asshole Jake for the rest of college. Reinvent yourself. :: Reinvent yourself a zillion times without realizing that the evolution of your identity is fluid and you'll never be done becoming who you are. You'll also probably buy some kind of stupid fucking hat.