The Realistic Guide To Picking The Perfect Fantasy Team

 

Round One: Pick a star running back who gets seriously injured seconds after you make the pick

 

Example: "LESEAN MCCOY. Feature back, catches passes, new offense -- I really think he's gonna...wait a minute. What did that flashing red 'BREAKING NEWS' thing on the ESPN ticker just say? 'LeSean McCoy something something ACL?' Did it say his ACL remains super healthy? It probably said that..."

 

Round Two: Pick a quarterback from a team you hate so that even if he does badly, you're happy

 

Example: "Tony Romo. Next pick, please, and let us never speak of this again."

 

Round Three: Severely overdraft a guy from your hometown team who you "have a good feeling about"

 

Example: "I'm telling ya, I've been watching the Steelers in preseason, and EMMANUEL SANDERS is gonna have a breakout year. Plus he's coming off a year when he already had... ONE touchdown? Ahhh crap."

 

Round Four: Panic and take a random tight end because everyone else is taking them

 

Example: "If everyone already has a tight end, I should just wait and grab someone in the last round. AHHH AHHHH I CAN'T DO ITTTTTTTTTT....... I PICK RANDY McMICHAEL! Oh god, is he even still in the league?"

 

Round Five: Google "Saints Starting Running Back" then somehow manage to draft the one running back who doesn't touch the ball in Week One

 

Example: "Ok, I think it's Pierre Thomas." [Cut to Week 1] "Uhhh, why is Pierre Thomas in street clothes watching the game on a rabbit-ears tv in the parking lot?"

 

Round Six: Pick a rookie who you remember making one good play in college

 

Example: "I watched Barkevious Mingo at LSU and I gotta tell ya, that guy's got Pro Bowler written ALL over him. Oh, he's a defensive end? Well, too late to save face now, guess I'll take him anyway. You can figure out how to put him on my team on Yahoo."

 

Round Seven: Pick someone you've never heard of but saw their name on some 'Sleeper' list online

 

Example: "Kenbrell Thompkins? Sure. Hope this is a real person."

 

[Middle Rounds: Just keep having your pick stolen one pick before you draft, then panicking and taking some rookie who definitely isn't starting and/or Nate Burleson]

 

Third-To-Last Round: Draft whichever defense is playing the Jets in Week One.

 

Second-To-Last Round: Draft David Akers, whatever the hell team he's on now. He's kicking for the Minnesota Lynx of the WNBA?? When did that happen? Sure, whatever.

 

Last Round: Screw it, just pick Brett Favre. Now when you're mathematically eliminated by Week 5, at least everyone will think you weren't taking this seriously.