(Four friends sitting around dorm room)

Mike: Wow… I AM TIRED.

Paul: Yeah, me too.

Mike: LATE night. LATE LATE Night.

Chris: You guys wanna do something tonight?

Mike: Oh, man. I have got to take it easy, especially after last night. I got like NO rest.

Ben: Yeah, me neither. I had to finish this annoying paper.

Mike: Oh… I wasn’t doing HOMEWORK. I was doing someb—

(phone goes off)


Mike: Jesus. I hope that’s not YOU KNOW WHO!

Ben: Your mom?

(they all laugh)

Mike: No dipshit, not my mom. The girl I fu—

Paul: That reminds me, I have to get a new phone.

(Mike picks up)

Mike: (into phone quietly) Heymomlemmecallyoubackbye.

(everybody cracks up)

Mike: Sluts, dude.

Chris: Come on lets do something!

Mike: I was doing someBODY last n—

Paul: Have you guys seen "Breach?" It's supposed to be good.

Mike: Paul, can i get a fucking word in? Do you mind letting me talk? I’m serious!

Paul: Sorry. What were you going to say?

Mike: No. Now I’m not gonna tell you. Fuck you guys.

Paul: Kay, well. I’m sorry.

(Mike drops a condom wrapper)


Mike: Wo! Holy shit. Wow. Sorry. THIS is embarrassing. A CONDOM wrapper. Sorry bros.

Ben: It’s not a wrapper, there’s a condom in there too.

Mike: Yeah… Well…

Chris: Huh?

Mike: That’s one of three. The other two were USED and ABUSED.

Chris: No they weren’t. I can see them. They fell out when you picked up your phone.

Mike: (quickly / loudly) I had unprotected sex last night!

(girl enters)

Girl: You said you wouldn't tell anybody!

Mike: I'm so sorry, baby. They practically beat it out of me.