(Four friends sitting around dorm room)Mike: Wow
I AM TIRED.Paul: Yeah, me too.Mike: LATE night. LATE LATE Night.Chris: You guys wanna do something tonight?Mike: Oh, man. I have got to take it easy, especially after last night. I got like NO rest.Ben: Yeah, me neither. I had to finish this annoying paper.Mike: Oh
I wasn’t doing HOMEWORK. I was doing someb(phone goes off)Mike: Jesus. I hope that’s not YOU KNOW WHO!Ben: Your mom?(they all laugh)Mike: No dipshit, not my mom. The girl I fuPaul: That reminds me, I have to get a new phone.(Mike picks up)Mike: (into phone quietly) Heymomlemmecallyoubackbye.(everybody cracks up)Mike: Sluts, dude.Chris: Come on lets do something!Mike: I was doing someBODY last nPaul: Have you guys seen "Breach?" It's supposed to be good.Mike: Paul, can i get a fucking word in? Do you mind letting me talk? I’m serious!Paul: Sorry. What were you going to say?Mike: No. Now I’m not gonna tell you. Fuck you guys. Paul: Kay, well. I’m sorry.(Mike drops a condom wrapper)Mike: Wo! Holy shit. Wow. Sorry. THIS is embarrassing. A CONDOM wrapper. Sorry bros.Ben: It’s not a wrapper, there’s a condom in there too.Mike: Yeah
Chris: Huh?Mike: That’s one of three. The other two were USED and ABUSED.Chris: No they weren’t. I can see them. They fell out when you picked up your phone.Mike: (quickly / loudly) I had unprotected sex last night!(girl enters)Girl: You said you wouldn't tell anybody!Mike: I'm so sorry, baby. They practically beat it out of me.