Guy At Bar In Soccer Jersey: YEEEAHHHHHHH BARCAAAA!!!!! HEY EVERYONE IN THIS BAR ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON, CHECK OUT MY BARCA JERSEY AS I SCREAM AT THIS LITTLE TV IN THE CORNER THAT I FORCED THE BARTENDER TO PUT SOCCER ON WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS WATCHING NFL GAMES SO I HAVE TO CHEER DEMONSTRABLY LOUD TO PROVE MY SOCCER FANHOOD!
Guy At Bar In NFL Jersey: SOCCER'S A SHITTY SPORT FULL OF A BUNCH OF WHINY PRETTYBOYS DIVING CONSTANTLY AND NO ONE EVER SCORES AND I'M GONNA FORCE YOU TO PHILOSOPHICALLY DEFEND THE SPORT TO US EVERY TIME YOU MENTION IT OR ELSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LIKE IT.
You: Am I allowed to just, like, watch some soccer games sometime and see if I enjoy it?
First Two Guys: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Friend On Facebook: I don't care what ANYONE says, I LOVE that new Katy Perry song. Isn't that RIDICULOUS??? Well I don't care, cuz I just love it anyway. I'm such an adorable weirdo that I'm humming it right now while I update my status about how much I love it, and I don't care what you say about me doing that!!!
You: ...I didn't say anything. Why would I care if you like that song?
Friend On Facebook: SHUT UP I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY I LOVE IT!!!
Co-Worker: You won't BELIEVE what happened to my fantasy team this week.
You: I will definitely believe it. Did you lose in a close, frustrating way?
Co-Worker: Going into Monday night, I just needed FIVE points from Roddy White to win.
You: ...And he didn't get five points so you lost? Yeah, that's happened to everyone who's ever played fantasy football, usually multiple times in a season.
Co-Worker: Then Roddy White gets HURT in the second quarter, finishes with 3.5 points, and I LOSE!
You: Yes, I already knew that would happen one word into the first sentence that you uttered, which you then followed with a cartoonish sigh to get my attention.
Co-Worker: Can you BELIEVE that??
You: [Updating Resume]
You: This is fun! Getting together with a couple friends, playing a casual, low-stakes poker game and having a few beers. We should do this more often.
Friend Of A Friend Who You Didn't Invite: I'M 'ALL IN' YOU BLUFFING MOTHERFUCKER [Shoves chips into the middle, puts on holographic shades while aggressively standing up and flipping chips through his fingers and pacing around and randomly yelling terms like "Pocket Rockets" and "San Francisco Busboy" with nonjoking impunity as though he's a hardened 1930s cardshark]
You: We should not do this more often.
Friend: You HAVE to try this really specific whiskey that I love. It's $28 for three molecules of it and the bar keeps it inside a dusty hollowed-out skull underneath the utility room toilet, but it's the only brand I'll drink.
You: [Tastes] Yeah, it's good.
Friend: WHAT? "GOOD?" Whoa whoa whoa, I don't think you're really getting what's going on here. Hang on, lemme start from the beginning. It's a crisp, dewy morning on a farm in northeastern Kentucky. A gentle breeze nudges an oaken rocking chair in time with the faint sound of a crimson waterwheel. Suddenly, a barley seedling sprouts through the earth, yearning for the sunlight...
You: [Frantically Chugging The Rest Of The Whiskey And Any Other Drinks You Can Get Your Hands On]
Foodie Friend: Yeah, these ribs aren't bad, but you can tell it's just not quite the same as the ones in Kansas City, as I am obligated to mention out loud numerous times to everyone here including the person who picked this place for her birthday dinner and invited me.
You: Really? It's delicious meat covered in delicious sauce that's been prepared with impeccable effort by a guy who owned a restaurant in St. Louis for 14 years. Do we have to diminish all foods by comparing them to other versions of those foods?
Foodie Friend: I am from a place.
You, Reading Facebook: [Throws Computer Into Lake]
(Pics via Shutterstock)