By Hallie Cantor
"Did you hear that? My body announces its love for you much like a trumpet heralds the arrival of a king."
They Found Something Gross on Your Body
"Don't worry, those aren't herpes sores. I had your name tattooed on me in Braille."
You Said Someone Else's Name
"No, no, no. Not Chad the person. I was thinking of the country. You know the literacy rate there is only 34.5%? So sad."
You Forgot to Shave/Trim/Wax
"Forgot to tell you, I've been starring in an Amish porn. I think it's going to be a really tasteful examination of their culture. Practically a documentary."
You Couldn't Get the Condom On
"I may seem inexperienced, but that's only because being with you feels like it's my first time. And is, technically, my first time."
You Couldn't Finish
"I'm sorry, honey, I just can't stop thinking about the literacy rate in Chad."
You Gave Them an STD
"Oh, I'm gross because I have herpes? You're the one who SLEPT with someone with herpes."
You Got Pregnant
"Can we name it Chad?"