8. Constantly-Swinging Ropes
What was the point of spending precious minutes of my childhood perfecting the timing of swinging ropes and vines when I have not, as of yet, ever had to apply this skill in real life? I mean, they might as well just be MATH, am I right??? [High-Fives group of 7th Graders]
9. Dangerous Asshole Birds
Video games in the 80s and early 90s very clearly had an anti-bird agenda. If a bird shows up in a game, they are always the most annoying enemy -- Ninja Gaiden, the Castelvanias, Ghosts n' Goblins -- if you see a friggin' bird in a game, there WILL be a part where you're jumping across a pit and a bird appears out of nowhere and impossibly knocks you into it. And yet, I have yet to encounter such birds in real life, other than the occasional overly-reckless beach seagull when you pull out a bag of chips. Have we ever formally apologized to the bird community for this murderous portrayal?
10. Lifegiving Food Lying Around The Street
I've knocked over a lot of trashcans and traffic cones in my day, and have yet to find a fully-intact cooked turkey lying behind them, LET ALONE one that'll heal my numerous knife and whip injuries. At the very least, I wouldn't mind a rotating white health pack with a red plus sign on it. [Segue into passionate rant about bringing our turkey-healthcare technology into the 21st Century]
11. Floating Blocks / Bricks / Platforms / Anything
HEY FAMOUS ARCHITECTS: Call me when you figure out how to design a series of tiny floating bricks and also one of them has an ivy vine hidden inside it that I can climb up to clouds that are full of gold coins. That wasn't sarcasm, please seriously call me when that happens. Eh, I guess if they build that, I'll see it on Twitter or whatever too. But still call me.
Also, thanks for reading this, Famous Architects! Most people just look at the GIFs and skip right over the text.
12. Dangerous Mechanical Things That Intermittently Smash Downwards
I guess it's probably a good thing that we don't constantly encounter huge mechanical smashy things that we have to time perfectly and sneak through them, even if those things also knock over our robot enemies. PROBABLY.
The first 12 things on this list were fun and self-aware and jokey and nostalgia-ey etc etc, but that all stops now. Serious Question: WHERE ARE ALL THE GOD DAMN NINJAS???????? THREE DECADES ON THIS STINKIN' ROCK AND I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE DUDE IN A BLACK NINJA SUIT STEALTHILY FLIPPING AROUND PLATFORMS WHIPPING NINJA STARS AT OTHER DIFFERENTLY-COLORED NINJAS???
Oh wait, I'm an idiot: They're ninjas. They're all hidden. Haha, whoops - never mind!
So technically, it's only a list of twelve things. Whew! Carry on.
(GIFs by "Giffmasta" Alex Schmidt)