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By Hallie Cantor
Cell Metabolism: The Alcohol Cycle
Sober (ADD Nothing fun going on on the internet) →
Bored (ADD A few beers) (LOSE Any hopes of getting work done tonight) →
Tipsy (ADD Shots) (LOSE dignity) →
Drunk (ADD 4 Texts you shouldn't have sent) (LOSE 1 gallon pee) (ADD Sleep) →
Hung Over (ADD 5 servings of dining hall eggs, bacon and pancakes) →
Embryology: Development of the Embry-bro
1: Normal bland freshman in t-shirt and shorts.
(label pointing to arms- "As the freshman begins to develop, muscle definition is minimal.")
2. His shorts are now mesh shorts. He is holding a beer and tiny backwards baseball cap.
(label pointing to beer- "After one week of growth, the embrybro is now capable of receiving nourishment.")
3. He also wears a tank top with Greek letters on it and holds a lacrosse stick. He's giving someone the finger.
(label pointing to finger- "Finger differentiation has begun.")
4. He has added neon shutter shades, flip flops and a speech bubble that says YOLO.
(label pointing to shades- "Shutter shades are vestigial, serving no sun-shielding purpose, but may still function to attract a mate.")
5. He now wears a power suit and carries a Blackberry in each hand.
(label pointing to phones- "At full maturity, the bro maintains constant contact with his community of fellow i-bankers.")
Reproduction: Relationship Mitosis
(interphase picture- lots of lonely chromatids checking each other out)
You're alone. Awesome.
(prophase picture- a happy couple)
You've finally found someone who's a perfect match. You two have so much in common! You're joined at the hip and go everywhere together.
(metaphase picture- lots of couples in a line)
Okay, it's getting a little boring. You guys are just like every other dull couple brunching and Netflixing the days away. Still, you can't imagine breaking up.
(anaphase picture- the two halves of the couple start to move apart)
That annoying way they act at parties is really starting to bug you. You start to come down with a fake disease so you don't have to hang out with them.
(telophase picture- our 2 chromatids on opposite sides of the cell. One of them is making eyes at a sexy chromatid)
You feel like a half a person without them. You think about calling, but they're probably already hooking up with someone better looking by now.
(cytokinesis picture- same as interphase)
The nucleolus of your own loneliness envelops you. Repeat.
Genetics: Hangout Punnet Square
Top is labeled Them, side is labeled You. Top row: You like them, bottom row: You don't like them. Left column: They like you, right column: They don't like you.
Each square has an iPhone screenshot of a text message conversation.
You like them, they like you (top left):
You: Hey, what are you up to later?
Them: Tearing through s1 of gilmore girls with you, friendo
You: stars hollaaaa!
(green check mark!)
You like them, they don't like you (top right):
You: Hey, what are you up to later?
(2 hours pass)
You: Haaaaaa never mind
You: Got other plans
You: Fun ones
You: You can come if you want
They like you, you don't like them (bottom left):
Them: Hey, what are you up to later?
Them: Want to watch Everwood?
You: Nah busy
You: Did that sound mean?
You: I might be able to.
They don't like you, you don't like them (bottom right):
Digestion: Digesting Knowledge
Have ludicrous amount of information from assigned reading thrown at you.
Make your smarter friend break it down into more manageable pieces.
Force basic concepts into your system via brute repetition.
With help of an enzyme called Adderall, break down the subject into concepts you might actually be able to take in.
Absorb tiny, tiny percentage of total information.
Use the rest to form a crappy essay.
Shit it out.