Ever been at a party and you think you're drunk, but you can't tell if you're only tipsy or full-on "uhoh!"-drunk (and you're too drunk to tell difference)? No worries! Here are 10 simple, sure-fire ways for you to confirm to yourself that you are, in fact, drunk right now:
"I GOT A FEELING (DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN) THAT TONIGHT'S GONNA BE A GOOD NIGHT! THAT TONIGHT'S GONNA BE A GOOD NIY-YUH-YIIIIIGHT! THAT TO-- ohhhhhh god WHAT AM I DOING??? I am clearly way too drunk right now. Better switch to water. Ehhh, this Bud Light is mostly water, I guess." [CUT TO: Color Bars]
"You know what, Dude From Marketing Whose Name Might Be Nick? I really hope your sister whose photo you liked on Facebook the other day gets into that big photography program that I am just now realizing I made up in my head that she was applying for. You should say 'hi' more often when we're peeing!"
"Ok, so, I'll text you tomorrow morning at 10:30, then the six of us are gonna meet for Brunch at 11, then we can just walk to the MoMa afterwards. It's like an hour walk but it's super nice out, and as long as we get moving early we should be fine." [Check phone, it's already 4:30 pm the following day] "Oh. Hrm."
"Y'know... that co-worker who I see every day and am not attracted to because they are objectively not attractive is actually kinda cute! OH GOD, THAT'S THE SIGN, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE." [Bites Cyanide capsule you've been storing in your mouth in case this moment happens. Remember that you don't actually have a cyanide capsule and you're just biting your tongue really hard. Calmly leave without saying bye to anyone]
"You know what else was disturbing, have you ever seen that movie The Cove? The documentary about the dolphins?"
"Yeah. Well, I've seen like, parts of it." "...You've seen 'parts' of The Cove? The documentary about killing dolphins?"
"I just... yeah I've seen parts of it, not like beginning-to-end but like, caught some of it on the... on the thing why what's up?"
"How is that even possible? Did you start it on Netflix in the middle then randomly stop... Eh, I'm gonna just accept what you said and keep talking cause I am also super drunk. So anyway, The Cove..."
"Whoa, when did THIS happen? Check out my thumb, there's a giant cut on it and dried blood all up my arm and into my shirt. Haha, weird! So anyway, yeah I saw some parts of The Cove..."
"I justt... I dunno, I really think Boardwalk Empire may be the best show of all time. Yeahh I know Breaking Bad and Man Man's great butlike, Boardwalk is just like such a SHOW, y'know? It's just like 'BLOOM!!! HERE IT IS!' An really that's what it's really all about, y'know??"
[Next Morning] "Oh god, was I gushing about totally ok stuff again? PLEASE tell me that all I did was sext 4 exes..." [Frantically checking phone]
"That reminds me of that one Louis C.K. bit, you ever see that one? It's like, it's this one he's like on the phone and he's talking to this guy, and he keeps referencing how Kansas City is crappy... er wait it's not actually standup it's from the show Louie. But he's talking to this guy and he's like 'Kansas City sucks!' wait actually, well first he's like saying good things and they like him...They're radio DJs, did I mention it's him calling into a radio station? It's like one of those, like he has to do this promo thing..."
[Person Who Said The Initial Thing That Made You Think Of The Reference Has Left The Bar And Already Made It Home And Is Asleep]
"If I just run to the place instead of this stupid 'walking' crap, I'll get there like twice as fast. Why don't I always run places? I've been wasting time my whole life!!! I don't see any downside to this. Man, walking is for life-n00bs -- a brave new era of RUNNING PLACES starts RIGHT NOW!"
[You arrive at the next bar three minutes faster, unable to breathe or think and sweating through your shirt/jeans/shoes/winter coat]
"Sup GUYUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" [Pause for 2.5 hours to catch breath]
"How muchhuhis the shots? $42? Coo' coo', here" [Hands bartender wad of nonsensical green paper thingies with funny numbers on them] "Thankkskss!"
[Next morning, attempting to pay for coffee] "Wait...I took out $100 twice last night and all I have in my wallet is four Ones? And three of them are sticking out of the wallet upside-down at various angles and the other one's been folded into an origami swan? If I don't check my bank statement for three more weeks, none of this happened. DEAL? DEAL. I'm talking to myself. Anyway...does this coffee shop accept creased DJ promo postcards in lieu of cash?"
(pics via Shutterstock)