College graduation has come and gone. Your new life begins with your parents proudly showing you off at family functions, introducing you as "our little college graduate!" But now it's September and the phrase "finding yourself" is like punching your parents in the face every time you say it. Unfortunately college did everything but prepare you for real life so you're need of a quick fix to keep your parents busy while you continue your "internal journey." Here's some job titles to throw at your family to justify the 6th Homeland marathon you've started...
Do you own an iPhone or Macbook? Congrats, you're halfway to becoming an actual writer. But relax, you don't actually have to write anything, the point is to convince people you're the next Tolstoy. Just reblog anything and everything on Tumblr, express your thoughts exclusively via Twitter, and binge on the Sparknotes of every great American novel that's ever had a movie version made of it. If the title of "author" is a tad too traditional for your tastes, tell people you're a screenwriter. Describe the pilot you've written as Woody Allen meets Inception and you'll have family backing off faster than you can say, "There's a storm coming Mr.--" Oh wait, that's Batman.
You know nothing about computer science or web development. Frankly even Wordpress confuses you. But do you know who is more overwhelmed by computer jargon than yourself? Your parents. They've heard of these things called "apps" but they have no idea how they're made or if a Nigeran Prince will use it to rob them. Use terms like iOS and "user experience" to intimidate your audience. If any of your annoying family asks to see the apps you've "developed" just sigh wistfully and say it's still "in beta." They'll also be impressed you speak another language.
At one point in time, being an entrepreneur meant something. Now anyone with a lemonade stand is a "job creator." Even Donald Trump commands respect, and he's gone bankrupt four times. If The Donald can fool those idiots on The Apprentice into believing he knows anything about running a business then your parents should be easy. To drive home the message that you're more than just the parasite draining their retirement funds, head to Staples to get business cards printed. If you don't know what to put on them just pull something topical from the day's headlines and throw the word CEO before it. After all who would be stupid enough to waste money getting fake business cards printed? Certainly not you.
Once your mom hears you're in advertising she'll be too busy considering Don Draper's finely tailored suit to ask about silly things like "pay stubs" or "office space." Next thing you know your dad's opened his seventh beer, your mom's crying upstairs, and you're playing Candy Crush undisturbed. In the off chance you feel slightly guilty over your parents crumbling marriage you can actually do some advertising without ever taking your finger off your phone. All you have to do is click "Share" once you run out of lives and bam! You're an advertising assistant. You've bombarded your friends and family with annoying messages that in turn, benefit only you. Just like a real advertising exec!
Remember that one time you made your friend Kyle laugh in first period? Congratulations, now you can call yourself a stand-up comedian. Before you start saying, "What about Carlin?! Or Louis C.K? Geniuses!" Don't worry, almost everyone you know is expecting you to be terrible. The best part is if you really convince them you care about it, they'll never tell you just how bad you are. Just think of the first round of auditions during American Idol. There's a thousand parents that could have saved their kid the bus fare by telling them they stink in the privacy of their own homes. But instead your parents are crippled by fear when it comes to criticizing you, which is obviously how you've found yourself reading this list. And that my friends, is the biggest joke of all.