Super Bowl Sunday is once again drawing near, and unlike Superman or Super Nintendo, this day is actually great. What to watch for? I'm no Terry Bradshaw, but these storylines could be huge in the big game.
God healed Terrell Owens: Apparently I misread the entire Bible, and when Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor," he meant, "Be thou an egocentric, homophobic asshole. As long as thou can breakest away from double coverage." And we'd been making fun of Christian Scientists for listing God as their health insurance. Just don't call it the "Holy HMO," it sounds too much like "homo."
But the Pats have luck on their side. Which explains why linebacker Mike Vrabel has caught touchdown passes despite having Boston's worst hands since Johnny Tremain.
Even big boys wear replica jerseys. These things are everywhere; they've become the iPod of the middle class. Is it Donovan McNabb or a fat guy in a replica? Oh, wait, it's Donovan's mom. Guess "Chunky Soup" isn't just a name.
The halftime show will offer few surprises. The NFL just axed Latino rock sensations Los Lonely Boys because their drummer was caught carrying a joint. Instead, we're being treated to convicted international drug smuggler Paul McCartney, the man responsible for Wings. Because in America's heartland, it's not your crimes that matter; it's whether or not you're white.
Donovan McNabb has the world's largest head. This one's not a joke. Look at it. It's like a toaster oven with cornrows.
The commercials will be HI-LARIOUS. Which is good, because they're not going anywhere. During the NCAA tournament, they'll get boring. By the time the Masters rolls around, they'll start making your eye twitch. By the NBA Finals, you'll be holding a rifle outside the home of the ad exec who said, "Quizno's and Baby Bob? Synergy!"
Don't call the Pats a dynasty. China's Tang dynasty ruled for three hundred years, established a seasonal tax system, and invented a conveniently powdered orange drink for astronauts. The Pats have beaten Carolina and St. Louis by a combined six points in their other Super Bowl victories without even giving us a Super Bowl Shuffle. No wonder Emperor Hooded Sweatshirt is reluctant to slap this label on his team.
Philly fans take things a bit too seriously. I live in Philly, and 85% of my Catholic neighbors say they'd be willing to see the Pope's medical condition deteriorate from "stable" to "dead" if it ensured an Eagles win.
Tom "Jan" Brady is pretty good. The announcers aren't going to let you forget this one, even if it means exaggerating a bit. Before kickoff, they'll treat you to the story of how Brady cured cancer and wrote the classic song "Blame it on the Rain." Plus, he was a Gap model! Then again, so was Sarah Jessica Parker, so apparently you don't have to be attractive to get that gig.
Final Score: Eagles 31-24. I don't know if it will happen, but if I didn't make this pick, two guys named "Rocko" from South Philly are going to break my thumbs. Ordinarily not a big deal, but Dr. God's surgery schedule looks pretty tight this week.
1. Of course we have to give props to our friend Chris Wylde who has been in the news lately for going on American Idol as a rapping nanny. The video is right here. Brilliant, Chris. Brilliant!
2. Neel has this week's issue of The OC in Review if you're a fan.
3. Number three is for introducing hotlinks.