At the risk of sounding like a poster on the wood-paneled wall of your Uncle Failure who never got married, let me say this: Women are a lot like beer. Trying to handle more than a few at a time will make your head spin, the colder they are the more you want 'em, and the ones you liked in high school now make you look back and wonder how you brought yourself to put your mouth on that cheap trash.

So it's no wonder that the two go hand in hand. You go to where beer is served to meet women and women go to where beer is served to get free drinks from you. Sucker.

But the odds at your local watering hole don't always have to be stacked against you, my friend. With that said, I'd like to introduce the Pick-n-Ditch. This girl-getting maneuver, developed under intensive research and development at CollegeHumor labs has been thouroughly tested and proven to work, coincidentally, 69% of the time.

Now that we got our obligatory sixty-nine joke out of the way, let's get down to business. The purpose of the pick-and-ditch is to combat the ever-present force known as the "other dude" at the bar. This "other dude," like any other guy in the bar (who's not you or your friends) is, by default, a douchebag. You know just as well as I do that this guy could be the current President of the Red Cross and the MVP of the 2002 Pro Bowl, but if he's competing for the same girls you are, he's a douchebag. (Just kidding; I know nobody cares about the Pro Bowl.) The goal of the pick-n-ditch is to get this jerk to stop talking to the girl you're interested in so you can move in and try to throw some game.

There's just one thing you need for this to happen- a girl that's-a-friend-but not-your-girlfriend. You know who I'm talking about… that hot girl you know who you'd probably do it with if asked, but you're permanently trapped in the friend zone. Well, there's a use for her after all and it goes by the name Pick "'n Ditch. Here's what to do:

1) Pick out a girl in the bar you'd like to talk to but is being hit on by some other guy. We will refer to her from here on as the "target." But it's generally best if you don't call her that to her face.

2) Send your hot friend over to set the pick. She starts flirting to the dude hitting on the target girl. Because of the male instinct to jump on whatever possibility of sex is offered to him, he'll immediately give up the conversation he was having with your target in favor of being hit on by your hot friend.

3) At this point, go in for the kill. There's one indirect result working to your advantage here. The target, her confidence instantly deflated like Princess Diana's airbag due to being passed over for another girl, will be in a position to be more open to your advance. This is your chance, dude.

4) At this point the role of the pick setter (your hot friend) changes a bit. After giving the poor schmuck seven digits she just made up, her job now becomes playing a zone defense for you, pulling the same move with any other guy making a move on your target.

It may sound simple and obvious, but it works. The Pick "'n Ditch isn't just a theory, it's a proven girl-getting method. And if any of this was unclear to you, feel free to consult my half-assed convoluted hand-drawn diagram to the right! So find a hot friend and head to your local watering hole to experience the magic for yourself.

Mindy has a new coumn out called "Disconnected, Affected, and Rejected"
so take a look at that. And before you leave for the bars just yet, check out these hotlinks. And if you get tired of those, check out more weird stuff at Dave's Daily. Peace!