I don't know about you guys but in my college town there are a lot of homeless people. Besides being physical manifestations of our slumping economy, homeless people provide me with many, many funny observations about homeless people. The first of which, is that it's okay to make fun of homeless people on the Internet because at best they have dialup and these sites take way too long to load.

College kids, by nature, are selectively cheap, so I can't quite understand why there would be so many homeless people in a city where the majority of the population doesn't have much of a disposable income. However, I also can't understand eating a discarded sandwich. I guess that type of shit slides right off their back.

But you gotta be nice. It's good to give a dollar or two every couple days, knowing that you made a difference in the world, however insignificant it may be. But which type of homeless man are you going to help? Well, here are the pro's and con's of donating money to each type of homeless man, and I'll leave the decision making up to you.

Crazy Homeless man

Pro's: Give this man a nickel, give him a dollar, give him a baby carrot, its all the same to him. One time I gave crazy homeless man the remainder of my sandwich and he ran into the sandwich store trying to use my half sandwich as currency to buy another half sandwich. The crazy part is, it worked perfectly fine.

Con's: He might be too crazy to know what money is. You don't know crazy until you've given crazy homeless man a dollar and watched him chew it for nutrients. Cheap nutrients.

Insanely Poor Looking Homeless man

Pro's: This guy hasn't bathed or eaten in weeks, even a drop of water can make a huge difference in his life. Also, he might be a guardian angel in disguise and if you help him he'll grant a wish or two or three! But don't wish for more wishes, he's not a fucking genie.

Con's: At a certain point you gotta think, "Is a dollar REALLY gonna help this guy?" I mean sure he can afford some sort of chex mix, but then what? More Chex Mix? Ha Ha Ha. Not Bloody Likely, friend.

Homeless guy who looks richer than you are

Pro's: This guy can obviously afford a meal, because frankly his clothes look cleaner than yours. So giving this guy a dollar means he is able to supersize his meal, which is a really awesome treat!

Con's: You do not want to bump him up to a higher tax bracket. That extra dollar or two can knock his ass up from lower middle class to middle middle class and come April 15, he'll be kicking himself in the ass" with your leg!

Homeless Guy with a Pet

Pro's: Get your human and animal good deed of the day out of the way in one fell swoop.

Con's: Why the hell should I pay for your doggie meal. Why the hell do you even have a doggie if you cant afford to pay for your own meals!? And what does that sign mean, "Spare change for pot!?" I realize you're just being candid but frankly I'm not appreciating it at all.

So there you have it, youre basic run-of-the-mill donation rubric. If you have problems memorizing it, you can always print it on a single laminated index card and refer to it as the situation arises. They won't mind, trust me.

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