Well, Valentine's Day came and went faster than the new Weird Al single. So the question then becomes, "How was your V-Day?" Well, since you're not having sex at this very moment, I'm going to take a fairly generous logical leap and assume that it wasn't everything it could have been. But fear not, friend. Armed with the knowledge I'm about to drop, next year's Valentine's Day will find only Cupid and his arrow stickin' it in more than you.

First of all, this Valentine's day I had perhaps the most profound and monumental realizations I've had in my life. I'm talking more mind-blowing than the time I found out that the reason Donkey Kong is named that, despite having absolutely no donkeys, is because of a Japanese translation error with the words monkey and donkey during early game development. Yeah, try and wrap your brain around that mindfuck.

Anyway, back to the epiphany. What I realized is that any girl you see out by herself on Valentine's Day either a) is single or b) has a boyfriend who's a huge dick for not taking her out on Valentine's Day and needs somebody better. What does this mean for you? The roles are reversed. The girl/guy game gets thrown on its head. Entire cities become giant singles bars, only without the usual stigma of overwhelming desperation. You are now able to approach any girl you see with the utmost confidence, wearing that fact like a badge across your chest.

But even with this breakthrough bombshell, it can never hurt to rework your game a little. So without further ado, here are some helpful hints that should help you and your libido come alive for 2/14/05.

1. Setting Your Sights. The Air Force does have a point- it never hurts to aim high. But keep this one caveat in mind. Your problem could be that you're aiming too high. Next time you're out, try going for 2nd hottest girl in the bar. Yeah, I know it might sound a tad defeatist, but it's not as much lowering your standards as much as simply playing your odds. Think about it- upon walking in, every dude's attention is automatically fixated on the hottest girl in there. But she can only go home with one fella. With you making a beeline for the silver medalist, you can concentrate your efforts on her while your competition wastes their time across the room. And think about it this way- if the #1 girl had something else to do that night, then you'd be going home with the hottest girl in the bar.

A more extreme variation of this is the "Go Fat Early" method used by my friend Keith. He figures that at the end of the night he's gonna end up with a fat girl, so he might as well cut his losses and start hitting on the best looking fatty there from the start. Yeah, use that one at your own risk.

2. Pickup lines. Try using some better opening dialogue. Some lines to avoid include any variation of WUZZZUP, or anything that begins with "Listen, my girlfriend's in the bathroom so I only have a minute…"

3. Greeting Cards. Girls love hearing from you, but be sure to pick and choose your cards wisely. Since the goal should getting one that's meaningful to both of you as a couple, I can't make any specific card recommendations. But I can show you some that definitely didn't work this Valentine's Day as guidelines of what not to pick up at your local Hallmark. Examples of these duds include this "informative" one my friend Paul gave to his (now) former girlfriend, this unnecessarily morbid one, given by my friend Bruce, or this one, which my friend Alfred got the inspiration for following a sneak preview of that new Mel Gibson movie. Needless to say, all had dissapointing results.

Well, hope I helped. Follow those rules and you should be all right, at least 'till St. Patrick's day. Steve has a new Observational Humor out today so give that a look. And if you wanna get a year of Maxim AND Stuff magazines for $10, then visit our sponsor MagazinesForCheap here. It's totally legit. Now time for some hotlinks…