-YESSSSSSSS! It's almost time for finals! I, for one, am very excited. I get to show all my professors what a bright young man I am by answering correctly on a bunch of tests. Since I have a 2.8 you should all listen very closely to me and my advice for preparing for finals" I call it Streeter's Study Tips.

-1. Before you begin studying, make sure you know what classes you are enrolled in. Since you spent your entire semester drinking and sleeping, you probably do not know what you are going to be tested on in a few weeks. The best way to find this information is to stand outside classroom buildings and ask people, "are you in a class where the professor says things like "'I wonder where (insert your name) has been all semester?' or "'well, it looks like (insert your name) won't be getting credit for this class'?" If they say yes, chances are you are enrolled in that class.

-2. Make up clever little rhymes to remember specific information. For instance, "White Dwarf stars were once red giants / which collapsed in on themselves because they burned off all their hydrogen" fire ants" You see how easy it is to remember things when they rhyme. Here's another one for you, "the condition known as Schizophrenia is a disorder / where people think they are two or more people" quarter." Easy as cake!

-3. Use a highlighter. Highlighters make targeting specific things to remember easier to find. The best thing to do is use yellow to highlight all the information that is essential. Use pink to highlight all the information that may be important. Use green to highlight all the information that is not important. And use blue to highlight all punctuation marks such as periods, commas, colons, and dashes.

-4. Whine about studying. It is very important to make sure all your friends know how much harder your classes are than theirs. Say things like "Oh my god, I've been studying for Hershel's final for like three days" he's the hardest bio teacher here." Complaining about your finals is essential to clearing your head for the big day. Trust me, none of your friends have hard classes or understand what you're going through and they'll be more than happy to listen to you bitch.

-5. Make note cards. Writing little tidbits of information on note cards is a great way to test yourself. But what fun is that? Ask your roommate to test you instead. They'll be so excited to sit there for endless hours quizzing you on things they don't have to know. Also, it is important to make up your own shorthand when creating note cards so you'll be able to make them faster. You'll never find yourself wondering what "QUESTION-Bx14""assimilate fac. Dens. 447.38 douche? ANSWER- Al. CT, 447.38 × 14 cont." means!

-6. Play with things. A good way to ease your mind when studying is to pick up anything that may be lying around and playing with it. Is there a coat hanger on the ground? Why not place it around your head and make a crown out of it? Are there some pencils on your desk? Why not play a little drum solo with them? Are your CDs unorganized? Put them back in alphabetical order! Blowing in empty beer bottles is an excellent way to clear your head and impress your roommates with your uncanny "Corona beer commercial" imitation. Other activities which will help you: cutting your nails, looking in spoons at your own reflection, folding paper into shapes, wearing you glasses backwards just to see what happens, and stapling things together. All these things are necessary to accomplish BEFORE you actually begin studying because, let's face it, you're no good unless you have a coat hanger crown on, are you?

-I hope you've found Streeter's Study Tips useful. I know I have found much success following these methods and I think my 2.8 GPA can speak for itself. Good luck with finals!

Come on Mary-Kate…It's been almost two weeks since I asked you to email me and still no word. WTF? Get on top of that!