-I know a lot of stuff. Trust me, I read every day, for at least an hour, on the toilet. And while the Loo, as some might say, is not the most serene location for learning, it certainly suits me well. Whenever my roommate says, "Dude, what are you doing in there?" I just reply, "Learning, my friend. Learning." So, it is with great pride that I bring some of my knowledge to you; straight from the toilet and into your heads" These are Streeter's fun facts.
-1. Smoking makes you run fast. I'll try to explain this as simply as I can; the carbon dioxcide crystalline alkaloid that forms in the interior lining of the vascular lung when inhaling the burnt sinews of reticulum tabacconis is actually a bi-partisan regulator to the filibuster gland making, of course, the oxidation simplex congregate in the carotid tissues repeat twice over the trajectory and tempo of the arteries. I hope that makes this clear, but if not, just watch a smoker when they run out of cigarettes and the store is about to close. They'll be moving like a rocket.
-2. Love handles are attractive. It's true. I would know, I have been growing mine since I was 12 and, even after all these years, my hand is still very attracted to my genitals.
-3. Farting is God's little joke. If there is one thing in the world that everyone finds funny, whether they acknowledge it or not, it's farting. That is God's way of keeping us from taking ourselves too seriously. Everybody since the beginning of time has, at one point or another, cut one and just laughed themselves stupid. How could anyone have listened to Hitler and taken him seriously when they knew that he farted every day? Not to mention he was a total fuck, too.
-4. Native Americans secretly call each other Indians when no one is around.
-5. I cannot touch my toes. From a young age, my back has been tighter than Martha Stewart's asshole. When it came time to do the sit and reach in gym class, I was, year after year, humiliated in front of my peers when I failed to even reach the bar. This shame, this indignity has followed me throughout my life and I fear it will be the cause of my death" damn you Mr. Roberti!!! DAMN YOU!!!!
-6. Your sister hates you. Yeah, she told me. No, she'll never forgive you for throwing her in the pool when you were younger. Yeah, I know she's family" but she still hates you. Deal with it.
-7. Danny Glover is to be trusted on all matters. If there is one man that, just by looks and voice alone, stands for reason and integrity, it is Danny Glover. You know him as a loyal and aging police officer but he is so much more" so much. I would buy anything Danny Glover is selling without a whiff of doubt. Hell, I'd eat anything he told me to or lick him wherever he wanted. That's how much I trust him.
-8. Men I'd go a little gay for. Brad Pitt. Johnny Depp (as long as he wore the pirate costume). Rosie O'Donnell. John Cusak.
*PS. I said a little gay" like a backrub or maybe a little peck on the cheek" that's all.
-9. George W. Bush is a horrible president. Do people really still think this guy is a good leader? Yeah, we've all been having a swell time since we went to Iraq. Just ask that guy who just had his head sawed off. Oh wait, he had his head sawed off. Thanks Dubya. To quote Jeanne Garafalo, "At this point, voting for Bush is a character flaw." Well said.
-10. The Panda bear isn't really a panda at all, it is a bear.
What do you say we take in a Yankees game on Saturday Mary-Kate? I've got tickets