Illustrated by Caldwell Tanner.
By Will Stephen
& Drug Lord/Murderer/Babynapper
Thank you SO much for all your donations!!! You guys are so, so awesome. Seriously.
And I know it's been a while, but I just have two things to update everybody about real quick:
First off, my dad's cancer is back (I know, trust me, it sucks), and second, it turns out my dad is also a fugitive crystal meth kingpin who murdered my uncle and then kidnapped my little sister (a baby).
So - right away - like, let's get real: my dad's gonna beat the cancer. I mean, he has to. He's such a brainiac mega-wiz (which can get kind of annoying sometimes to tell you the truth), and come on, cancer is like... stupid. It's no contest! Look, if he can get me to clean my room when I don't want to (which, um, is always), then he DEFINITELY can beat dumb old cancer. He's not even afraid of it. That's my dad for ya.
My dad also tried to stab my mom yesterday after watching my uncle die in a desert. Or something? I don't know. Either way it sucks, because, like, Uncle Hank is/was the best (I guess "was" now, weird). And my mom's usually pretty cool. Parents can bug you and be lame, but it's even worse when they wrestle and try to knife each other over stupid drugs and money and killing a cop.
I mean, I'll be honest, it's a pretty tough time for my family right now - what with the cancer and my uncle being buried in the desert by Nazis and my baby sister careening down the freeway in the lap of a psycho murderer (a.k.a. my dad a.k.a. the coolest guy I know). I'd be lying if I said there wasn't tension between us (there definitely is), but deep down we still love each other, and I can't wait to see my dad kick cancer's butt and make my uncle come back to life.
So if you guys are still interested in donating, definitely click below (we could use all the help we could get, and you guys rock), but just to be clear, my dad is probably gonna die from being shot by cops or other drug people or suicide. So, I don't know. Up to you, I guess.
Also I think my dad said he has ten million dollars in a barrel. Not sure. Definitely still donate though!!!! I'm sure he'd really appreciate.
But to be honest, I don't even know what he's capable of anymore. I think he's gonna kill the baby.
Have an A-1 Day!!!!!!!!!