-I am sitting here at my desk looking at a curious present my little sister gave to me a few weeks ago; Gettysburg College lip balm. It's not that there is anything strange about the product in particular (it's just regular lip balm). The trouble is I have absolutely no idea how and why Gettysburg College makes lip balm (I'm sure it has something to do with herds of freshmen harvesting the balm trees), but more importantly, I have no idea what lip balm is made out of. When I smear this stuff on my lips, am I really just applying a translucent layer of crushed up eyeball?
-This got me thinking. I don't know what half of the products I use everyday are made out of and that troubles me. So, I did some investigating and discovered the ingredients to some very common and very important products that you and I use all the time.
-1. Shampoo- I don't particularly care for cleaning myself, but I have been told a lot of people use this stuff. After some research employing a varying grade spectrometer and some lactic sulphates, I was able to determine that shampoo is nothing more than melted soap. But how does it retain its liquid form and not re-harden into regular soap, you may ask. And if you do ask, I'll kindly ask you to shut your big, curious mouth because thems is questions for God, not for mens like you and me.
-2. Mayonaise- At first glance, mayo looks like vanilla pudding. But it is so much more" so much. Every fat person's (including your truly) favorite condiment and/or meal has been a mystery to me for ages. Ever since I began eating it as a child, straight from the jar with a spoon, the chemical nature of this delicious paste has eluded me. I sent some telegraphs to Hellman's and, after a few days, I received a reply. It read, "Dear Mr. Seidell, Hellman's would be pleased to answer your question about the ingredients in mayonnaise. However, we do not really know. We just get jugs of it from this guy in France and then we just stick it in bottles. I hope this has helped. If you have any further questions, please contact Mr. Jean-Paul Lavante in Aix-en-Provence, France. Thank you." I guess some things will always be a mystery.
-3. Tooth Paste- Far be it from me to brag, but I brush my teeth at least once a week (which is why my smile is the color of the sun). Hell, I have probably brushed my teeth at least 100 times in my life, but I have never known what tooth paste is made out of. The bottle will tell you it contains complex sounding chemicals like fluorinated dioxytone, but I know what they really mean; teeth. Toothpaste is just crushed up cow teeth mixed with chewing gum. Like Native Americans, the people who slaughter cattle don't like to waste anything. So they devised a way to use the pulverized teeth as a cleaning solution" oh slaughter houses; what will they think of next???
-4. Dental Floss- hahahaha, who uses dental floss? Oh, you do? I bet you think that you're all high and mighty since you clean between your teeth, don't you? Well, I got news for you Mr. I'm too good to use a toothpick, dental floss is made out of pubic hair. That's right, pluck out one of your own and straighten it out with an iron. It will be about as long as a roll of floss. How does it get that minty taste? They take it to bars and have people blow menthol cigarette smoke on it. Who's the loser now?
-5. Ecto-Cooler- Who wouldn't want a beverage inspired by a gluttonous, green ghost from a popular 80's movie? I know when I was younger (and earlier this morning) I used to gulp down Ecto-Cooler Hi-C by the gallon and I bet you did too. How foolish we were" how foolish. Don't you see people? Ecto-Cooler is nothing more than green fruit punch. It's enough to make me question the very integrity of the ghost busters themselves. Who am I gonna call? Not you, you lying bastards!
*Butterfinger candy bars contain nether butter nor fingers" they do contain a curious substance known as peanut-butter-buttery, which is made in Sweden.
*Rock Salt is salt that grows on rocks, not the other way around.
*Tampons grown on trees in Africa, they aren't manufactured" just the applicators are.
*Lip Gloss does not taste good, no matter how good it smells.
*It is OK to swallow gum because it is made out of flavored glue.