1. Who sucks: Hawkeye (The Avengers)

It's not really Hawkeye's fault he was a shitty, boring addition to a movie with absolutely no need for him. The Avengers is the greatest superhero film ever made about the greatest superhero team ever assembled, which only made it so, so obvious how completely useless he was. Let's start with the VERY FIRST SCENE, in which Clint Barton, renowned marksman, decides to fight a God with his bare hands, losing so laughably instantaneously you imagine that weiner Swedish scientist would have been a better bet.

5 Movie Superheroes Who Suck And Who Should Replace Them

He then spends the next hour of the movie actively working against The Avengers, having no impact whatsoever. Hawkeye is so bad that even when he's trying to KILL everyone on his own team they're just like "Awww. Thanks dude, we've got this."

Who it should have been: Wolverine

In the comics, The Avengers have teamed up in so many combinations over the years. These combinations often include Wolverine, who for legal reasons can't even be mentioned in Marvel Studios films, which is probably for the best. If that could happen pretty much the whole of the movie would be the other Avengers throwing Hawkeye dirty looks and talking about how much they wish Wolverine was there, which would also be pretty great, actually.

5 Movie Superheroes Who Suck And Who Should Replace ThemCOOLER THAN ARROWS

 

2. Who Sucks: Harry Osborn (Spider-Man 3)

Spider-Man 3 is a masterclass in how to absolutely ruin awesome villains. Venom, one of Spider-Man's greatest and most nuanced nemeses, is reduced to a big gooey lizard thing, with all the tortured depth Topher Grace is capable of delivering. However, easily the worst member of the Spider-Man 3 Bad Guy Lamesquad has to be Harry Osborn, whose evil persona is so dumb and forgettable it doesn't even get a name. About a minute into his first outing as James Franco On A Skateboard, Harry, totally independently, smacks his head into a pipe and gets amnesia, putting his competence level about on-par with the writers of this stupid, stupid movie. At some point he remembers and gets mad again, but then he forgives Peter and dies I think. I'm not going to check. I really don't care. This movie's the worst, he's the worst.

5 Movie Superheroes Who Suck And Who Should Replace Them

 

Who it Should Have Been: Green Goblin

It's obvious Sam Raimi wanted to wrap up Harry's revenge plot and rehash a successful villain from the first film, so why not go all the way and just make him a shiny new Green Goblin? Green Goblin at least commits to the insanity, cackling like a madman and indiscriminately chucking bombs that turn people to dust. James Franco probably vetoed the idea as too unsexy, preferring his face was on full view as he scooted around Manhattan on his little toy, whining about his dumb dad who obviously wasn't murdered in cold blood if you took, like, three seconds to think about it, you idiot.

 

3.  Who Sucks: Aldrich Killian (Iron Man 3)

Iron Man 3's Mandarin twist has divided fans this summer. Some say it's a tragic betrayal of one of Tony Stark's most fearsome, famous antagonists. Others say lighten up, ya nerds, it's a robot comedy movie. The big problem, though, wasn't how The Mandarin was treated (seriously, it was awesome), it was that the movie's main villain then became Guy Pearce In A Suit Who Breathes Fire as a man who by default edges out Ben Kingsley Taking A Shit as the world's most serious threat.

Who it should have been: M.O.D.O.K.

This guy has it all: He's actually good at killing people (The acronym stands for "Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing", Killing is his last name!) and, Christ, just look at him. 5 Movie Superheroes Who Suck And Who Should Replace Them


Sure, it's a little bit of a stretch to include M.O.D.O.K. when The Mandarin was rejected for being too "unbelievable" for the Iron Man universe, but at least you can have Ben Kingsley play him without it being even a LITTLE racist. And if you nerds absolutely must have your grounded, tragic origin story, I dunno, maybe Killian overdoses on Extremis and turns into this guy or something. We good?

 

4. Who Sucks: Elektra (Elektra)

Elektra, released in 2005, was the last superhero movie made with a female lead. For shame, society. Also, for shame whoever's idea it was to put Jennifer Garner's Elektra in charge of pioneering a new feminist wave of cinema's silliest genre. It doesn't help she'd previously appeared in the boring Daredevil, doing nothing but spin-kicking and saying words with as little emotional conviction as possible. The producers did everything they could to sell Elektra, including Affleck in a (cut) cameo and putting a bunch of the previous film's footage in the trailers. Elektra should have heralded a new era of ass-kicking superwomen. Instead we got Daredevil's Girlfriend: The Movie, and that turned out as well as you'd expect.

5 Movie Superheroes Who Suck And Who Should Replace Them

 

Who it Should Have Been: Pretty Much Anyone Else

The main argument about trying again with a badass lady superhero movie is the relative unpopularity of female characters. Baloney. The comic book world is full of awesome females. The X-Men Franchise has been giving its superwomen great roles for over ten years, and any number of them could easily lead a spinoff movie. Joss Whedon wrote a crazy good Kitty Pryde origin story in his Astonishing X-Men series. Turn that into a film! Hell, maybe we can finally get something good going with Wonder Woman, one of the few DC heroes of either gender worth a damn. Still think it can't work? Go watch Carrie again. Brian De Palma made one of the best female superhero origin movies ever, and he wasn't even trying.

 

5. Who Sucks: General Zod (Man Of Steel)

A good idea when making ANY movie is to not hire the guy who wrote Jumper. Sadly, Man of Steel didn't do this, and what happened next was the most boring, joyless film ever about a flying invincible alien. One of the movie's biggest problems (literally everything in Man of Steel belongs on a scale from "terrible" to "monumental fuck-up") is the bad guy, General Zod.

5 Movie Superheroes Who Suck And Who Should Replace Them

Above: My expression during Man Of Steel

He could more accurately be called "General Bad Guy", since it seems like that's probably the name of the example character in "Movie Villains For Dummies" that all his lines were copied and pasted from.

Who Should Replace Him: Bizarro

You'd be dumb to blow your wad on Lex Luthor so early into a Superman franchise, so a little deeper digging is needed for an effective first-film nemesis. Bizarro is perfect. He's a mirror-image Superman, possessing all his powers and strengths, while also being completely batshit crazy and irredeemably evil. He's basically the Joker of the Superman Universe, whose genetic identicality with Kal-El already works seamlessly with the codex storyline in MOS (C'mon, Synder! It's that easy!) Bizarro would also be a way better role for Michael Shannon, who can play an unhinged lunatic like nobody's business, and was so, so wasted on that stupid idiot General Zod in this stupid idiot movie for stupid idiots by stupid idiots. Have I mentioned I hate this movie yet?