BEWARE!!! These 5 common drugstore products are tiny, overpriced danger grenades that will shoot the personal hygiene equivalents of shards of glass into your face and the faces of those you love.

 

5 Common Drugstore Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Life and the Lives of Everyone You Know

"Eh, I'll probably smell fine without some Mountain Pine or Powder Fresh bullshit," you might think to yourself. Then you might smack yourself in the face and nose repeatedly, because you are wrong. You are a smelly animal and you need as many chemicals as possible to cover it up. To experiment with unscented deodorant is an act so hubristic, delusional, and likely to make people hate you that it may as well be posting song lyrics as your Facebook status.

Because a secret about unscented deodorant is that it does have a scent, and that scent is "Chemicals, Mixed With Your Body Odor Which Has Actually Started Rubbing Off on the Deodorant Stick Itself In a Twisted and Grotesque Role Reversal". But it's too long for a label. That's why they call it "Unscented".

 

5 Common Drugstore Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Life and the Lives of Everyone You Know

Oh, I know your game. "We all use the same detergent bottle so when it's my time to buy a new one I'll just buy the smallest one there is and save money"? You are a monster. Scientifically, at LEAST 84% of all detergent is wasted by sticking to the inside of its container, and that number increases when you ruin everything by buying a teeny-tiny li'l baby container with a greater ratio of surface area to volume. Also, you are setting a dangerous precedent whereby each of your roommates will have to buy smaller and smaller containers of detergent to not get screwed over, until no one can do any laundry at all because you're all busy running back and from the drugstore carrying $4 thimblefuls of the blue stuff at a pop.


This is your fault. Are you happy?

 

5 Common Drugstore Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Life and the Lives of Everyone You Know

Why? Why would you do this to yourself or someone you like enough to have sex with? Is sex NOT CHALLENGING ENOUGH for you two slutty acrobats? Not awkward enough? Not frictiony and sticky and fundamentally unsexy enough? Because those are the only possible reasons why it would be a good idea to say "thanks, but no thanks" to a minor amount of lubrication on the RUBBER SHEATH you're putting on your and your partner's SKIN.


You know what these are most commonly used for? Protecting microphones in the rain. If you're buying them for sex, you have made a grave error.

 

5 Common Drugstore Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Life and the Lives of Everyone You Know

Do you want your communal bathroom to feel like a dingy drug den? Then buy bar soap for your sink. Where liquid soap simply cleans, bar soap actively makes an innocent hand-washer feel even dirtier and also oddly guilty. Sure, the bar starts out clean, but one day in and it's a clammy, greasy lump of fatty acid that's been caking on the cold grimy surface of your never-been-cleaned sink and marinating in other people's germs, their dead hairs flung across its surface like so many first-place sashes at the Grossness Pageant.


We have the technology for liquid soap. It does not have to be this way.

 

5 Common Drugstore Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Life and the Lives of Everyone You Know

Well looky here, if it isn't Ol' Cheapy McCheaperson-Cheapowitz, the cheapest gal in town, come back again to save 50 cents in exchange for ruining her relationships with both her roommates and her butthole. Like a two-penny sex worker, crappy (lol) toilet paper is seductive and inexpensive but will leave you with only irritated genitals and the contempt of your fellow humans. Plus, it's so thin that you need to use about a million sheets per bathroom visit and constantly be running out, so you'll end up bankrupt and destitute anyway. And when you live on the street, you don't even get one-ply.


Hope those 50 cents were worth it. You are a disgrace.