Hey there, Internet! It's me, the pompous contrarian who lives off all your hate-views! You may remember me from such deliberately-trolling thinkpieces as "Wall-E: Pixar's Worst Effort Yet?" and "Star Wars vs. Pizza: The Battle of the Overrateds".
I'm just popping by to let you know that I finished my latest masterpiece, "27 Reasons Why The Breaking Bad Finale Was Completely Disappointing". Sure, the finale hasn't aired yet, and no, I didn't see a screener and have no inclinations as to how the show's going to end, I just know that I'm going to want my haughty, click-baiting anti-Breaking Bad piece to appear on the internet the millisecond the series ends for maximum attention, so you can all start hate-sharing it and commenting "Can you believe this asshole?" while I sit back and smear the sweet, sweet attention over my chest like so many Roman emperors' erotic oils.
I know what you're thinking: "How did you write this crap before even seeing the finale?" Ha! Adorable question. I have a standard three-step template for all my contrarian internet pieces:
Step 1: I'll start by mentioning how badly I WANTED to like the Finale, so it'll seem like I'm coming from a levelheaded starting point, and I'll note that the series had "a few undeniably great moments, such as the 'Fly' episode," which will damn the series with faint praise (blam!) while also making me appear somehow smarter than you because I'm talking about a cool experimental mid-season all-talking episode instead of any of the big twist episodes (double blam!)
Step 2: I'll cherry-pick a couple moments about the show that were slightly odd, like Hank finding Walt's book on the toilet or Gus adjusting his tie after the bomb explosion, and spin them into furious pseudo-intellectual rants about how they thematically diminish the show's outwardly shimmering luster, and other meaningless writerly sentences like that. I'll also complain about a couple characters who were "underdeveloped" and pretend like that actually bothers me. "Couldn't they find something for Marie to do??" I'll ask rhetorically, and you'll wonder if I'm actually serious. YEAHHHHHH dummies, now we're cookin' with hate gas!
Step 3: I'll talk about the series' place in television history, and definitively declare that while it's a decent show, it's nowhere near the level of TV's all-time greatest series. Then, to piss you off further, I'll name TV's greatest series and my list will be so stupid and esoteric as to enrage you one additional time, like a hate-encore. Get ready to read garbage like "While Breaking Bad certainly has its moments, it doesn't belong in the Great Television Pantheon alongside Hill Street Blues, St. Elsewhere, HBO's Carnivale, and Broken Candle," a British show from the 80s that I made up.
You see, there's no room on this Internet (the most overrated 'net of all time) for balanced thinking or nuance -- no one in the world is going to click on something in their Facebook feed titled "The Breaking Bad Finale Was Good, Let's Talk About It." It either has to be THE GREATEST EPISODE OF TELEVISION THAT HAS EVER AIRED, or a giant, miserable disappointment. Because of the near-certainty that the finale actually will be very good, I have no choice but to take the latter approach. Or I could just enjoy it and not write about it, but how would that justify my existence?
So there you have it, you stupid idiots! I look forward to all your angry views and shares -- it won't be easy withstanding your impending hateful comments (haha false! It's the only remaining thing that gives my hollow mortal coil the slightest glint of pleasure), but I suppose that fulfilling my responsibility to inorganically pretend that I hate this excellent show is just my cross to bear.
FYI, that's a reference to Jesus Christ, history's most overrated messiah.
(pic via AMCtv.com)