Hi, new TV show. Thank you so much for coming on today.
Yeah, I mean, I come on every week at this time, so.
That's so great. Dependability is one of the key things I look for in a show.
So: you've got 22 minutes, not counting commercials. Convince me. What makes you think you'd be a good fit for me to watch?
Well, as you read in my recommendation, I star that guy you liked from that other show.
That's right, you came highly recommended from my friend at work. The same friend who recommended Parks and Recreation, which has become one of my top shows. You know, it recently got promoted to being watched live instead of on DVR.
Yeah. And that's a competitive promotion. So don't go getting any ideas, pal! Only kidding.
Ha! And I know you have a few open positions, since Breaking Bad and 30 Rock are no longer with you.
I know those are big shoes to fill, but I promise I'm up to the challenge.
I certainly have been hearing a lot of hype about you. Commercials, early critic's reviews, tweets. Everyone's saying you're gonna be the next big thing.
Well, thank you very much. And if I may say so, I've always admired your eye for the long-term when it comes to making decisions about which shows to invest in. You're not just looking for some hype-heavy show that's gonna come out strong with a good pilot and then burn out and get canceled after 6 episodes.
God, we all remember the Free Agents fiasco.
Exactly. No, you want a show that everyone in your office will be talking about in two years. A show that you'd regret not having gotten in on on the ground floor. A show that will surprise you with its outside-the-box creativity. A show where even the most boring episodes will get GIF'd to death on the Internet. I am that show.
Mm-hmm. What would you say is your greatest weakness?
I may be TOO addictive.
Very good. Now, the other candidates for this spot aren't just the other new shows. Why should I watch you when all of Frasier is on Netflix? You know, I've never seen Battlestar Galactica. Never seen The Sopranos. Are you gonna tell me you've got more to offer than any other show in history that I haven't seen?
You don't sound very confident.
Well, you know, it can take a few months for a new show to find its voice, and--
Listen, I won't waste your time. I think it's gonna be a "no" from me. It's not that you're not qualified to be a perfectly entertaining diversion. It's just the world we live in today, you know? This is a Golden Age of television, and unfortunately I just don't have enough time or attention to devote to all the qualified candidates.
Oh. Sure, I...I understand.
But you seem like you have potential, so I would recommend you try applying to my roommate. This is off the record, but honestly, she'll watch pretty much anything.
Yeah, maybe I'll try her.
And I mean ANYTHING. She's still watching Grey's Anatomy.
That's still on?
I know, right? Now please leave. I need to watch ten hours of Catfish reruns.