Where did I go wrong? I used to have girls like me. I used to have girls love me. But somewhere along the way I turned into a loveless loser, destined to spend his nights fantasizing about Keira Knightley and how "she would totally like me if I could just talk to her for a little bit." But Keira and I will never have that conversation nor will Mary-Kate ever email me. I am destined to be by myself for the foreseeable future. And by that I mean till the day they lower me into the grave, say a few words about how I was a "free spirit who couldn't be tied down to one person", throw some dirt over me, and forget me forever.
That may seem a little depressing, but it's for a good reason. The other day my Mom gave me a Playboy. She had received it in the mail from an old subscription my recently deceased Grandfather had ordered. Normally, she throws them away, but not this time. This time she gave it to me, driving home the fact that I will never know the touch of a woman's hand ever again. My Mother" my MOTHER gave me porn. Even she could see the hopelessness in my sex life. When your mother knows you're not getting any of the good gravy, it's become a serious problem.
This caused me, John Cusak style, to go through all of my relationships from my past and find out what the hell went wrong. And, because I have invested so much time thinking about this I feel it is only fair to share it with you. In that time I could have been writing my usual witty, satirical, almost God-like articles for you, but instead I was thinking about my lost ladies, so I owe this to you. It all started so good"
Ashley: When you're in 8th grade, you begin to date people. But you don't date them because you like them or vice versa, you do it because your friends and their friends have decided that you two should be together. My best friend Matt was dating a girl named Sara who had a best friend named Ashley. A few secret meetings and phone calls later, I found myself dating her. I thought she was the hottest thing I had ever seen, but nobody else really did. Until she dumped me, that is. After three romantic months where we held hands once and talked on the phone for hours and hours, Ashley decided she had had enough of me. Almost instantly after she dumped me, the entire school discovered the hotness that I had been telling them about. Ashley remained one of the prettiest and most sought-after girls all through High School and probably still is. I guess I started off on the right foot.
*(interesting side note: when Ashley was dumping me on the phone, she laughed the whole time. I later found out it was because one her friends had farted.)
Annie: Annie was another girl I dated without ever really having a hand in the process. As I was dragged out of the cafeteria for swearing, I learned that I was also dating a girl named Annie. Funny how things work like that, huh? When I finally got around to talking to the girl I was dating for the first time, I learned that she and I were a perfect match. She was brash, funny, had absolutely insane hair, and liked The State as much as I did. It lasted an amazing 6 months (not bad for middle school) but couldn't survive the high school transition and ended when I dumped her at -shame- band camp that summer. We had occasional flare ups throughout high school and beyond, but always stayed the best of friends. Coincidently, she's probably going to read this" Hi Annie! Remember when I felt you up? That was fun!
Julia: During my freshman year I somehow got the idea that I had become a man. I lacked facial hair and sounded like an 11 year-old girl, but I was convinced that I had reached adulthood. As I rode the bus to school (like real grown-ups do) I started talking to a girl named Julia. By the end of our third bus ride, she was my girlfriend" my first serious girlfriend. Julia and I wasted no time doing all the things that grown-up couples do: breaking up ever three weeks, making out in class and the bus, writing poems to each other, and awkwardly trying to figure out exactly how you're supposed to have sex. Somewhere within our relationship I realized that this was it" I was in love. It was the first, but not the last time that I had convinced myself that I loved a girl I had known for two weeks. I don't remember how it ended exactly but that is because it ended so often. Julia had a pesky habit of dumping me all the time only to call me 2 days later saying she wanted to get back together. For the year that we were together I got dumped on New Years Eve and my birthday" twice. Julia and I remain friends to this day due to our love for making fun of each other and the inseparable bond that comes with swapped V-cards.
Diane: After "Jules," as I called her, I did some soul searching. I had a few dates here and there thanks to my new driver's license, but nothing serious. As history teachers who are trying to justify their careers often say, "learn from history because it is destined to repeat itself." Taking a cue from this, I looked back at my childhood and found out that just up the street lived a young lady who had been my friend when I was just a wee boy. And what luck, she had grown into an extremely beautiful girl! I instantly proposed a relationship to Diane and she accepted. Actually, my friend proposed it to her and she called me to accept because I'm a huge pansy. Diane and I dated for about a year during which I fell in love with her like nerds love grilled cheese. She cheated on me once, but we made it through that (I'm still pissed about it, if I ever find that George kid, he's losing an eye). It ended one Thanksgiving Day when I decided it had lost its magic. In my great, if short, relationship history Diane would be the most important for showing me what it is to love someone else" it was easy, we did dirty things with each other. Current Status: Close Friends
Kate: If there was ever a relationship based on pure guilt, this was it. Kate had been my friend for a long time. She was beautiful" no, seriously beautiful like a movie star from the forties. Even my Grandfather thought so, saying of Kate, "Nice rack on that one." The thing was, we never should have dated. We had been (for the sake of my parents who will read this) "funny" with each other for some time but had not entered into a relationship. My Catholic guilt took over and I decided that we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. That was pretty stupid move considering we were both were 2 months away from college. But dated we did, "funny" we made, and to college we went where we abruptly stopped speaking with each other. I must admit, I was a huge asshole for not calling her, but I" actually, I can't even reason it out. I haven't spoken to Kate in a few years, but I'm sure she's still beautiful and has found an equally beautiful boy with which to have "funny."
Sharon: My first college girlfriend! Yayyyy! Sharon lived on the floor below me. She had been seeing my current roommate, Matt, for a little bit when I stole her away with my charming rapport and stunningly handsome Belushi poster collection. Sharon was and is a great girl. So great, in fact, that I dumped her on the day her uncle died. Of all the low things I have done in my life, that one takes it (actually, the time I shot 10 puppies was worse). The amazing thing is she is still talking to me. She even let me stay with her in Dublin when I was abroad and invited me to her sister's wedding. Forget Jesus, Sharon is the essence of forgiveness. She has been in Australia for a long time now and I anxiously await her return so I can do some more horrible things to her only to be forgiven shortly thereafter.
(Interesting side note: Sharon was present at the end of my most recent relationship when she came to visit me in London)
Nora: Karma is a bitch, and you will shortly see why. Nora had been dating my friend Steve for years. The summer between my sophomore and junior years, I began to hang out with her a lot. We went skydiving, swam in my pool a lot, and ate a shitload of seafood. Out of the blue, she dumped Steve and, like the horrible friend I am, I saw my chance. Two months later, we were together. Steve hated me for good reason and I lost about half of my friends, but I didn't care because Nora was beautiful and one of my best friends. Our relationship got serious very quickly, especially since we went to schools in different states. I didn't mind traveling to see her because I truly loved her with all my heart and she loved me" or so I thought. It got so serious that we moved to New York City the following summer and I had one of the best times of my life (she would tell a different story). Shortly after that, I left for England confident that we would stay together. She seemed to have a lot of trouble emailing me. I sent her one almost every day and got one back maybe once a week. She was spending a lot of time with our friend Tim, which I didn't mind. They had always been friends and I liked Tim a lot. I thought of him as kind of looking after my interests when I was gone" how stupid I was. Nora flew out to see me and she spent ten days pretending she was having a good time as we traversed Europe. On the last night, with Sharon out on the couch, she dumped me. The only comparable situation in terms of feeling would be if one day your Dad came downstairs and said, "Hey, listen, I'm not your Dad. I'm really an alien sent here to learn how the internet works." I was shocked only because she was such a great actor. In fact, she revealed that for the last six months (while she had been saying she loved me) she had been totally unhappy with the relationship. SURPRISE, she is now with Tim, my trusting friend! I have heard that they had been "inappropriate" with each other since shortly after I left. See what I mean about karma? Nora broke my heart and I have been in a funk since then.
(if this section seems a little dark, I'm sorry. It's just that I have nothing good to say about her)
And that must be it. That is why I am alone. It is because I am bitter about what happened to my last relationship, which I had put almost all of my faith into. Maybe I'll meet someone new soon. Maybe we'll get married and have kids and I can beat them and then they'll need counseling and blame me for all their problems. But one thing is for sure, I need to find someone soon" I can't keep getting porn from my Mom.