Every dude wants to believe that his group of friends is special. It's not. Weird hairdos and oddly placed birthmarks aside, every single wolf pack of guys is more or less the same--and every member has a role.
My name's Brad. Or Jake. Or anything with one syllable that sounds quarterbacky. I actually played football in high school. I was pretty sick too and would've thrown at the D-III liberal arts college that recruited me (sucks it wasn't D-I, but still sick and mad chill) had I not blown my knee out doing a naked back-flip into my girlfriend's swimming pool at her graduation party. It's all good though, because things worked out. I still went to school, still crushed beers, blondes, and books, and now I've got a nebulously titled yet apparently lucrative job in advertising or finance. In my spare time, I enjoy bragging about sexual conquests, wearing half open button downs, and jimmy tapping my friends until they do what I want.
Nerd alert! Just kidding. But seriously, I'm very bright. Not bright enough to get into an Ivy League school though. Sorry I enjoy coding more than shooting free throws or playing the oboe, LOL! Just messing around. But really--waitlisted at Brown? Come on. I guess it all worked out in the end. I started a social network that just nabbed its second round of funding, blog about wind energy for HuffPo, and made my loft apartment into an exact replica of Tom Hanks's joint in "Big." Chicks be jumping on my trampoline all day, yo! JK, I know that's not the right grammar.
Oh man. Please don't look at me. I've got the bone structure of an Adonis but I didn't go to college, so I feel kinda insecure. Besides, I was brought up on a hippy commune with parents that sold home made paper, so a lot of my time was spent watching pulpy bowls of water and that made me sorta quiet. I'm in a band now and dating an underwear model--so that's cool, I guess. But a part of me feels like there's something missing--like there's this huge world out there and I want to take in every part of it. I don't know, maybe that's silly. (Note: If I'm not good-looking and quiet, I'm a little overweight and weird, but everything else still applies.)
You guys want to hear my impressions? Some of them are pretty good. At least that's what my improv coach/roommate says. College was cool, but being an adult is way more fun. You can do whatever on any given day! Well, you can't if you have a job. But I don't. Not that writing sit-com specs isn't a job, because coming up with justifications for why a 25-year-old law student had to move back home with his Martian parents isn't as easy as it sounds...unless the law school...is on Mars! Yes! Man, where were we? Wanna hear my Christopher Walken?
Do you have any idea what divorce does to a kid? I don't either, but my parents told me they'd get one if I didn't get into a top-10 school. Luckily I did and I never smoked pot and sang acapella just like they wanted. Then Junior year came and I failed my orgo final. I cracked, sprayed my professor in the face and mouth with a fire extinguisher and was asked to leave campus. Now I'm living at home and my parents keep me on the tightest leash ever. Which is cool, because I messed up and didn't handle myself responsibly and that was wrong. But if they take my PlayStation away one more time, this house is gonna be looking pretty white, if you know what I mean. (I'm going to spray a fire extinguisher inside again.)
Ow ow ow! That's the noise I make when I'm excited, which is all the time. You're not sure how you know me and, frankly, neither am I. But these sunglasses let you know I'm a live wire who's going to show you the time of your life. From riding horses into karaoke bars to running away from exploding taco trucks, any night with yours truly is one for the record books. I'm 95% sure I went to college, and 100% sure I had an insane time. I may or may not be employed, but it doesn't matter because money's only useful if you allow it to be. Ow!