Dear Citizens,

Hey guys, it's me America. As you know, my birthday is coming up tomorrow and I have some last minute ideas if anyone still hasn't gotten me something. I'm sure everyone will be coming to my party; there's going to be fireworks and cookouts and a lot of other fun stuff. So, if you want to bring me something while you're there, that would be great.

I don't want you spending all your cash on a present for me; just enough to show that you care. Like, you could get me some new highways in the north east. The ones I have there are almost falling apart. Oh, and I've always wanted more teachers at inner city schools. I don't NEED them, but I really, really want them. I asked my Dad, England, for them, but he said since I moved out 200+ years ago he wouldn't help me out anymore unless I got into a fight.

I really, really want a new mountain. All the ones I have are so old and out of style. I need a new, flashy one called "TerraMaximus" or "Devil's Head" or something like that. It would be so nice to get a new river to go with that mountain too. We could call it the Machetunxis or some other Indian sounding name. I also could use another national park. I hear Yellowstone is getting overcrowded.

Now, I don't want to sound greedy, but I also want a new state. I know I already have fifty, but I think fifty one would really bring a sense of closure to the whole issue. We could get Puerto Rico or maybe even Quebec; I hear they want to leave Canada anyway. Maybe we could just find some new land altogether. Wouldn't it be cool to have a state on the Moon? The flag's already there.

Please, please get me a new president. Maybe make it a belated gift" say, November, around there. The one I have now is really mean and he keeps killing my army. Plus, I hear there is this other guy who could take his place who doesn't talk much but looks like a twenty dollar bill" make him president instead. (but leave the tags on, if he isn't what I wanted, I may have to return him in four years)

If you really want to make me happy on my birthday, eliminate China. They have always been a pain in my ass and I'm getting sick of pretending to be their friend. Same goes for North Korea and basically the whole middle east. They say I'm a bully; I say they had better watch their mouths or else" or else.

Now, here are a couple of things I keep getting, year after year, that I don't need. I don't need any more Wal-Marts. I'm practically bursting at the seams. I don't need any more country music. I don't need any more McDonalds. We're big enough as it is. I don't need any more terrorist attacks, war or Jessica Simpson television shows. I no longer need any more bears. I know they were endangered, but now they have started eating people. I don't want any more celebrity children's books, miracle diets, animal-shaped chicken nuggets, right wing talk shows, VH1 "I Love The" ", speed limits, mounted novelty talking animals, Atkins approved products, and Wayans Brother movies. So don't get me any of that.

So, I hope to see you all my birthday party tomorrow and I hope you get me something on my wish list!

Your Country, America

PS. I also want a new bike.