I have never seen an episode of Breaking Bad. And if you're like me, these tips will help you survive the coming of the Breaking Bad finale.

 

Survival Tip #1: Just say "Bitch" a lot


Breaking Bad fans love it when you say "bitch." As far as I can tell, Jesse Pinkman is a white, methhead version of Urkel who walks in and says "bitch" and then the studio audience goes crazy. Saying "bitch" is an appropriate response to any Breaking Bad question or topic and it conveys an air that you "get it."

A Survival Guide for People Who Dont Watch Breaking Bad

I genuinely have never seen an episode of Breaking Bad, but I got tired of having to explain why. I understand it is a great show, possibly the greatest show in a golden era of television. I understand I could have caught up. I don't have a good excuse for not watching it. This is the hand I was dealt. And these are tips that have helped me survive.

 

Survival Tip #2: Make a Reference to The Newsroom.


This is an eject button for any Breaking Bad conversation. Talking about The Newsroom with a Breaking Bad fan is like giving an apple to a kid on trick-or-treat night. The apple may be delicious, but that kid is about to egg your house because he wants fucking candy. If just mentioning The Newsroom doesn't work, bring up how great Jeff Daniels is and how much he deserved to win the Emmy for Best Actor. Also duck, because they are going to swing at you.

Bonus Tip: You can mention The Newsroom to get out of any conversation. People generally don't like talking about it and they don't like talking to people who talk about it.    


A Survival Guide for People Who Dont Watch Breaking BadSource: gordonmack

Some of these strategies I have developed myself. Some of these are concepts that I adapted from a book on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.  

 

 

Survival Tip #3: A Firm Punch to the Throat


When cornered by a Breaking Bad fan, and all other measures for escape have been explored, square your feet and give a swift punch to their wind pipe. Breaking Bad fans need air like any other living creature, and the throat is a vulnerable area. The punch should stun them for long enough that you can make your escape. Take note, the Breaking Bad fan will pursue you. He will be muttering in his guttural voice, "Haaaaaaank. Waaaaaalt." Just keep running. Punch as many Breaking Bad fans in the throat as required. 

 

A Survival Guide for People Who Dont Watch Breaking Bad

You said "bitch." You mentioned The Newsroom. You punched them in the throat. What do you do if none of these tips worked and someone is still talking to you about Breaking Bad

 

Survival Tip #4: Spoilers


More than anything, Breaking Bad fans hate spoilers and they see them everywhere. Like nervous deer in a cornfield, if a Breaking Bad fan senses a spoiler nearby, they will run into traffic with complete disregard for their own well being. Here's a sample scenario, between you, and Mike from sales:

 

  1. MIKE

    Wasn't Breaking Bad intense last night?

  2. YOU

    I actually know a spoiler about that.

  3. MIKE RUNS INTO TRAFFIC


If you preface something as possibly being a spoiler, you can say whatever you want to a Breaking Bad fan because they won't be listening. Another sample scenario, this time with Tim from accounting:

 

  1. TIM

    Any way the finale ends, I know it's going to be great.

  2. YOU

    I actually know a spoiler about that.

  3. TIM PUTS HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS
  4. YOU

    I find you attractive in a way that is confusing to me.

  5. TIM

    What? I heard a little bit of that.

  6. YOU PUNCH TIM IN THE THROAT

 

Use these tips responsibly and best of luck to you in your quest for survival, bitch.