I still have no idea where the unsettling expression "Screwed The Pooch" came from and don't have the heart to Google it, but since it's already here to stay, why not just go the extra mile and truly embrace it? Here's 18 New, Improved Ways To Say "Screwed The Pooch" that I look forward to forcing into weird conversations in the near future:
Fingerbanged the Dolphin
Dry-Humped the Camel
Gave the Rhino a Reluctant Handjob
Went Down On the Chinchilla
Drunk-Sexted the Bee
Eiffel-Towered the Hippo
Masturbated While Thinking About the Ostrich
Lied About Hooking Up With the Starfish
Talked Dirty To the Zebra Then Got Self-Conscious About It Later
Told the Turkey You Came Too So You Could Get To Sleep
Booked a Hotel To Re-Kindle Your Romance With the Kodiak Bear
Made Out With The Lion-Tailed Macaque But Immediately Got Worried It Would Ruin Your Friendship
Got Too Drunk With the Platypus And Couldn't Finish
Talked All Night And Really Felt A Deep Connection With the Seahorse, Y'know?
Tried Butt-Stuff With the Marmoset
Discussed "Ultimate Fantasies" With the Rainbow Trout But Left It At "Maybe Someday"
Got Caught Checking Out the Tortoise and Tried To Play It Off Like It Was Someone You Recognized
Screwed the Pooch While Secretly Thinking About the Pooch's Hot Friend
Others? Leave 'em in the comments.