Go ahead and ask any of the wholly unsatisfied girls I've slept with how I was. Go ahead" do it. They'll all say the same thing, "Eh, it's was" ok" I guess." Or something to that effect. That's the long way to tell you that I may not be the amazing lover that you might think I am. I know, I know, you look at my picture – large, sweaty, chin beard – and you think, "No way could he be bad in bed." But sadly, it is true.

And in all this time that I've been being awful in the sack, I have been paying attention to all the things I do wrong. This one is for the guys, and they had better listen up because you do not want to make love the way I do.

To begin, you should never, ever, ever look at yourself in a mirror while you're at it. Believe me, the images that you see in the mirror will be far from the ones you imagined. You know those chiseled abs you think you have? They are not there; just a pale tire of flab. You know how everyone says you have a "cute butt?" You don't, and don't you dare try to look at it in the mirror. It's like Medusa; one look and you turn to stone.

Another important thing to remember is to never try a position beyond your range of motion. That is why I have resorted to the "lie on the back, lifeless" style of sex. One time I tried this very complicated move that I will spare you the details of. It ended with a bloody nose and a severely pulled hamstring. Plus, trying a complicated position can lead to all of these unhappy fates: falling off the bed, farting by accident, entering the "wrong" hole, and, in some cases, severe sneezing attacks. Basically, stick to a repertoire you are comfortable with. For me, it is lying motionless on my back. For you, it might be pleasing yourself in the shower, alone. Just stick with what works; having your girlfriend stuffed inside a cupboard while you're doing a handstand isn't going to make it any better.

I beseech you, listen to this next bit of advice very closely; don't say anything during the act that you are not comfortable saying normally. This is a very common rookie mistake that stems watching pornos for too long. In your head, saying "I want to raw dog it baby" sounds so sexy and cool. In real life, you sound like a dickhead. Your vain attempts to get your words out between panting and wiping sweat from your face make you look like a pervert. Instead, just compliment her. Girls are ego-maniacs and love it when you tell them things like "you are amazing", "I love you", and "I didn't know it was going to go in your eye."

Now, for some quick tips. Never sing along with a song that happens to be playing on your stereo. Don't let your sweat drip on her face. Always wash "man-fluid" off before it dries unless you like cement in your stomach hair. Never laugh when she talks dirty; it's a quick way to long night alone. Don't pick up the phone; who are you, Paris Hilton? Your buddy Chad can wait a few minutes for you to finish up. If you weigh over 250 pounds, do not attempt the following things: sex in a car, sex in a airplane bathroom, sex on top, or sex with a woman. Oh, and don't push her head down" that's so disrespectful. Have a little class you dirtbag, she'll get there eventually.

Sex is like a minefield strewn with embarrassment. You must be very careful not to fall victim to one of these traps. But, if you follow my advice and avoid all the things I have done you may be okay. Good luck to you, young men. It may be too late for me, but not for you" not for you.