Hey there, fans of the Giants, Redskins, Vikings, Jaguars, Raiders, Rams, Buccaneers, Jets (in a couple weeks), and my fellow Steeler fans! So it looks like our NFL teams are terrible, and with another seventeen increasingly-wintery weeks to go in the football season, this raises the question: How should we spend our Sunday afternoons?
Well, I'm no expert on how to spend your Fall and Winter Sundays without watching football, but since I'm in that boat this year (thanks again, Steeler offense!), I guess we better figure out how to make our Sunday afternoons fulfilling and productive:
Tip #1: Watch Something Else On TV
Nothing in the "Earth Rulebook" says you HAVE to watch football on Sunday afternoons! There's PLENTY of other stuff on tv then, probably.
Let's check the ol' Viewing Guide:
WHOA, so many options! Hispanic College Quiz! Fruit & Veggie Smoothies-In Mins!!!! People, we're talking smoothies in MINS, not HRS!!! Fruit AND Veggie Smoothies, too! Sorry, Stupid Steelers, I am off to DRINK SOME HEALTH!
And I didn't even mention the hit the hit 2 pm ABC show Recipe Rehab! I ALREADY DO NOT MISS FOOTBALL AT ALL HA HA HA IN YOUR FACE FOOTBALL!
Tip #2: Watch A Movie
Ehhh, well, I guess I wouldn't really want to GO to a movie on a Sunday afternoon when it's cold out and I just feel like relaxing, so forget that. But we could rent a movie!
I'll bet there's a bunch of awesome movies that I missed this summer that are coming out on DVD and On Demand now:
...Ooof. Well, I'm sure at least one of those films is an underrated gem, right? Probably destined to become a cult classic of Rocky Horroresque proportions. I can't wait to find out which one it is while I'm DEFINITELY NOT WATCHING FOOTBALL. Woohoo! Bring on the cinema!!!
Tip #3: Go For A Nice Walk
Nothing beats a nice, brisk walk on a sunny Fall afternoon! The birds are chirping, the leaves are rustlin', and oh GOD DAMMIT:
Fine, it's gonna be really shitty out, scrap the walk. I guess it's only gonna get colder and shittier in the coming weeks. Whatever, walking's stupid.
Here's a stock photo of people walking that I was planning to use for this:
Anyway, skip this tip. I'll think of some better stuff anyway.
Tip #4: Go To A Museum Or Something?
I'll bet there are so many great museums right in my own backyard that I've never been to, and every time I get to one I'm like "guys, I'm really glad we came here and I learned so much" until I hit that two-hour mark and my lower back starts getting sharp, shooting pains. B
Actually wait, are museums even open on Sundays? Hang on, lemme check...
"The Field Museum" appears to be open, whatever that is. So let's say "probably!!!"
Ehh, actually, I'll bet most museums close at 5, so even if I get moving at like 12 and eat lunch and get to the museum by 2, that doesn't leave me a whole lot of time.
Actually, I guess that leaves me plenty of time, but, whatever, I don't want to spend my Sunday in some dumbass museum.
Oh! And it's gonna be raining anyway. Yeah, fuck this. Fuck museums.
Tip #5: Go Online or Do Other Stuff
Have you been online? There's a lot to do there. You never got around to reading that one long serious article that you opened in a new tab at work and planned to read during lunch but forgot. You could read that instead of watching football! Or just save it to read during lunch on Monday.
Oh! What about books? You could read some books. There's tons of those motherfuckers. You've never read Dickens. How is THAT possible? You should probably read Dickens.
But there are
I don't even have the attention span to click on any of those links and read them, so that probably means I'm not gonna be spending my Sunday reading a book. But books definitely exist and you can definitely read them on Sundays if you want to. Unless there's some weird law against it in some states. I'm gonna Google some of those "Wacky Laws" websites to see if there's one that's like, "Did you know that in Pennsylvania, an 1835 law prohibits women from reading books on Sundays or near water wheels?"
The point is, there's lots of stuff on the internet. Check out this picture I found when I was searching for those movies!
Tip #6: What Else Is There, Even?
Guys, I'm really struggling to think of things. What do people do on afternoons? Go for bike rides or some shit? Ughhhhhghgh we already said, NO OUTSIDE. This is the worst.
Tip #7: Fine, Just Watch Football, But Do One Productive Thing In The Morning So You Actually Think You Didn't Waste The Whole Day
Put laundry away? Check. Free for a FULL DAY OF FOOTBALL!!!!!
Alright, I put most of my laundry away, so this day has already been productive. STEELERS / JETS, HERE WE GO! WOOOOOO! Wait, HOW ARE THEY BOTH LOSING??? I hate football.
THAT'S IT -- I'm reading a book. YES, I'M READING A BOOK ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON DURING FOOTBALL SEASON. Right after I check my fantasy team. OH GOD DAMMIT I'm getting killed. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF???
I really need to stop wasting my time with this garbage.
Actually, one sec.
(pics via Shutterstock)