When you're as big and jolly as I am, you have a lot of love to give. I've always been the type to fall for women easily and hard, so my relationship history is littered with broken hearts and condoms.
So, to all the girls I've loved before, let me just say that"
*I'm mad you dumped me because that meant I had to lose weight and start shaving again.
*I want my DVDs back" especially "Blue Crush."
*I'm better in bed than I was then maybe.
*The longer I'm without you, the better you start to look in my mind.
*I hope you haven't gotten fat because that would be awkward for me whence we next see each other. "Well" you look, ummm, filled out!"
*You're not the first one tell me that I'm distant so stop thinking you figured that out.
*You were never that good at figure skating; I just said that to get you in bed.
*I didn't run over your cat on purpose; how was I supposed to know it was under the tire?
*I didn't tell anyone about that time you farted in bed and I know you told everyone about the time I did.
*I don't like your cooking. "Mmmmm, mashed turnip pie again" how did you know?"
*Your boobs were not as amazing as I made them out to be.
*My boobs, however, were not as bad as you made them out to be.
*Even though I said you'd be really successful someday, I really think you'll turn out to be white trash (or, in Shanelle's case, African American trash).
*I don't like your Mom and I don't like you Dad and, by no means, is your sister cooler than mine is.
*You still owe me for gas when we drove to Massachusetts that time" no, the $30 you gave me was for the hotel, not the gas. Stop trying to get out of this.
*You kind of smell in the mornings.
*That pumpkin you carved on Halloween sucked" no, it sucked ass.
*You're no good at rubbing backs; I just made you do it to justify the $100 dinners I would take you on.
*When you would offer to pay for stuff and I would say, "Don't worry about it, Honey. I've got it." I really wanted you to pay.
*My drinking was never the problem, you getting mad about it was.
*I'll look at your best friend if I want to; this is a free country.
*I'm the best man named Streeter you will ever be with" unless you get with my Dad in which case my Mom will gut you.
*The Atkins is working for me; so much for your "you have no will power" bullshit. Where's the F-ing bacon at?
*Lots of girls find my smoking ultra sexy no matter what you say.
*I could have picked up your parents at the airport; I just didn't want to because "Diehard" was on.
*That is not my kid and I don't think it looks like me either. I'll see you on Springer you gold-digging wench.
*I'm not bitter, you're just a bitch.