After nearly failing to graduate from Bayside in the gripping series finale of Saved by the Bell, Zack Morris confessed to his friends Kelly, Lisa and Jessie that he had been accepted to...Yale University. Twenty years later, CollegeHumor has obtained the essay that got Zack into Yale:
Dear Yale University Admission Board:
As a student at the prestigious Bayside High, I've had a plethora of experiences that have shaped who I am. But the most influential? That'd be the time I tried to score a sweet deal for my fellow Bayside seniors on our class rings, and landed myself in some scalding hot water.
Time out! This story's gonna rock the socks off those Yale stiffs, no problemo. Better pack some groceries alongside this essay, because it's IN. THE. BAG. Time in!
It all started when I contacted a ring salesman by the name of Gem Diamond. Gem was a shady individual, no question. But here's the thing: Gem promised he'd give me my class ring free of charge, and Zack Morris always looks out for Number One.
Time out! Maybe I should've shared another experience. Like the time Mr. Belding's cool younger brother offered to take me and Kelly and Jessie on a rafting trip. Or the time I got a fake ID to go out dancing with college girls. Time in!
So Gem delivered the rings, and every Bayside Tiger was stoked. They were mega affordable! The only problem was that they turned everyone's ring finger a slimy green color. The rings were made of fake gold!
Time out! This is terrible. I should've paid Screech to write my college essay, like Slater and Lisa did. Sometimes it feels like I have a Thanksgiving-dinner side dish for brains. Mashed potatoes, that is. Time in!
The entire Bayside senior class wanted to wring my neck. So I devised a plan to wriggle my way out of the jam. I enlisted Slater, my muscle-bound buddy, to intimidate Gem Diamond into becoming my business partner. Then I made Tori, my girlfriend, trick Screech, our nerdball pal, into falling in love with her. She coerced Screech to get revenge on Gem for selling her a fake ring. Screech obliged. He dressed up like a karate sensei, and proceeded to (pretend) beat up me and Slater for getting in cahoots with the rotten ring salesman. Our geeky friend's judo moves terrified Gem, who said, "I'll do anything not to get punched by Screech! Here are your class rings - made of real gold this time - for free!" It was almost too easy.
Time out! Great save, Zack! Now this essay's like Magic Johnson's preferred way of making a basket - a smooth layup. Time in!
When I bamboozled Gem Diamond into giving us real-gold class rings for free, it taught me that you can swindle people for a positive outcome. This lesson rocked my world. It made me proud to be a Bayside Tiger, and grateful to have such mega-cool friends.
In closing, I truly believe that when Elihu Yale donated money and books to create Yale College in 1718, I, Zack Morris, was the future of the university he imagined: a too-cool-for-school party animal, who's secretly an egghead.
Thank you for considering me for Yale's class of 1997. Enclosed you'll find my two letters of recommendation: one from my esteemed principal, Mr. Rod Belding, and the other from Max, a funky magician who also owns the diner where me and my pals hang out.